Parenting Improv

When I was pregnant I prepared myself for a lot of things baby: eating, sleeping, pooping, growing, etc. What I didn't read about was parenting among other parents and their children. It's really WEIRD(awkward), especially if you are not used to being in someone else's space. Especially when someone else's space is their sweet child. (Plus, I'm already socially awkward without baby.)

Scenario 1: Stan Bear walks over to a child at the museum with the big blue blocks and tries to grab a block out of his hand. The other child says, "Noooo!" Stan holds his ground and still tries to take it. I sit there, not doing anything. I figure, it's a block, they'll figure it out. The parent of the child comes in and says, "Charlie, you can share. It's o.k." and then Charlie ends up giving the block to Stanley. I then think, oh, am I a bad parent? Should I have intervened and told Stan Bear to share and pick another block, one that wasn't being used? So, I do that the next time that it happens. I step in and tell him, "This boy is playing with that block. You can play with this one instead." - as I hand him another block. It works for a little while but there's something so intriguing to Stan Bear about the blocks or toys that some other kid is playing with. He sees someone else playing with something and he has to have it. 

No matter how I react I'm always second guessing myself and being ridiculously self-conscious like, "Does that parent think my child is a bully and that I am o.k. with his behaviour because I'm not stepping in?" or "Am I an overbearing parent by making decisions for my child?" It always feels weird to me either way. It doesn't help that Stanley's personality is so assertive and fearless (unlike mine) because I would never put myself in these situations yet I have this little person who is doing that on a daily basis.

Scenario 2: The other day we were at a local children's consignment shop and they have a play area in the back of the store.  A little boy was playing in a toy car, the kind that you shuffle (like a Flintstone) to make it go and Stan Bear walked right up, opened the door and grabbed the boy's hand as if to pull him out. (I like to call this a playground carjacking.) So, I got up, because I felt like that was pretty uncool of the Bear but the other boy's Mom got there first and put her hands on Stan Bear's arm and said, "He is playing in the car, you need to wait your turn." It rubbed me the wrong way even though I would have said a similar thing to the Bear. I think it was the fact that she put her hands on the Bear and was so stern and no nonsense - it was almost like she forgot that Stanley is a tiny kid who hasn't perfected his sharing skills yet (but I know she was well intentioned and trying to protect her little one - nobody likes a playground carjacking.) So I entered in on the scene and looked at Stanley and said, "Hey buddy, this boy is playing with this car, let's come over here to play with this other car." and right as I said that a little girl hopped into the other car which frustrated Stan Bear to no end (insert grumpy face and audible whining.) I said, "Oh, she was swift. I know you really want to play with one of the cars but we'll have to be patient. Would you like to play with this instead?" and we were patient and played with something else.  

It's so stressful for me. It's similar to that anxiety I feel when speaking in public. I feel like my parenting is on display yet I haven't rehearsed. It's parenting improv and it's a little nerve racking.

It has happened the other way around as well where Stan B. was playing with something and another child wanted what he was playing with. Usually the Bear will hold on tight to what he is playing with - he's got a grip of steel + grumpy face. He also likes to try and get a hold of as many things as his little arms can carry and he will get upset if someone tries to grab hold of one. When this happens I try to step in and tell him that he should share the toys with the other children.

My friend shared (ha!) this article on not sharing. I sorta like how the preschool that the author's child is in has a rule that a child can play with something for as long as they want. Because of this written rule there is no (or less) WEIRDNESS - no parenting improv (at least when it comes to sharing). There are specific directions! (I sometimes wish there were specific parenting rules on the playground.) But I wonder if this inhibits interaction between children (and parents) which I think is an important part of learning. While I agree with her about the two examples of questionable sharing practices (because as a parent I would never tell another kid that he needs to stop playing with a toy and give it to my boy because I am not fearless and assertive nor do I think it's my place.) BUT, I disagree about her "Real World Lessons." More specifically I don't think sharing as a child can be translated so literally to adulthood.  She writes, 

If you doubt my reasoning, think about your own day-to-day adult life. You wouldn't cut in front of someone in the grocery checkout line, just because you didn't feel like waiting. And most grown adults wouldn't take something from someone, like a phone or a pair of sunglasses, just because they wanted to use it.

I think what she is missing is that there are two sides to sharing. There is the kid who is going in and "carjacking" and there is the other kid who is having something taken from him. There are two lessons to be learned: to be patient (and try not to lose it if you don't get what you want) and to share...both involve being thoughtful. I think teaching children to share is a good lesson in being selfless and thoughtful of those around you and that can extend into adulthood.

I actually have an ongoing parenting clash with the stern woman and her child who was almost carjacked by the Bear, which leads us to the third scenario.
Scenario 3: My first interaction with her was great. I learned about where they were from and how they live near the park. Then, that same day Stan Bear saw this gorgeous white, fluffy dog sitting near the tree. He saw it before I did, of course, and he began walking towards it. I told him that we don't know this dog and we have to be careful. So, I held him back and knelt down and put my hand out to the dog to make sure it was friendly. It was, so I let Stanley touch the dogs back. He loved the dog, of course. He gave the dog a HUGE hug. Then the lady came over and said to the dog, "Hey Duke (I don't remember his real name) come back over here." And she pulled him by the collar and led him underneath the picnic table. She didn't say anything to me about not touching the dog. She just moved him under the table. Stan Bear continued to hug the dog and she came over and picked Stan Bear up and moved him away and said, "No Stanley. I don't even let my boy touch the dog this way." I remember thinking, "Whoa, lady. All you had to do was say, please don't touch the dog."

Scenario 4: The next time I saw her (several weeks later) we were at the slides and she was picking up her son and putting him at the top of the slide and helping him slide down. Meanwhile Stan Bear was climbing the steps and made it to the top and was waiting at the top of the slide while the other boy slid down. She didn't move out of the way but she lifted Stanley up from standing and sat him down at the top and he slid down. She was being helpful but Stanley didn't need her help in sitting down. He knew how to do it and I was standing right there - if he needed my help I could have helped him. It was just bizarre to me. 

Her boundaries are different than mine. The only time I would touch her child is if I felt like he was about to fall off the jungle gym or if he looked right at me and asked for my help. That scenario reminds me of this article titled Please Don't Help My Kids. It's really worth a read. Here's a quote from it:

I am not sitting here, 15 whole feet away from my kids, because I am too lazy to get up. I am sitting here because I didn't bring them to the park so they could learn how to manipulate others into doing the hard work for them. I brought them here so they could learn to do it themselves. 

They're not here to be at the top of the ladder; they are here to learn to climb. If they can't do it on their own, they will survive the disappointment. What's more, they will have a goal and the incentive to work to achieve it.

This mom that I clash with is more hands-on than me and I try my hardest to be hands-off. I want to respect her choices; I don't want to disrupt her parenting. I think that's why I get upset - I don't feel like she respects my choices as a parent.

Maybe I'm overreacting. All I know is that I wasn't prepared for these interactions. It's when these spaces cross that I feel awkward - even when I don't react in a certain way, I feel awkward. I don't know if that makes sense. I think what I need to try to do is shut out those self-conscious thoughts and focus on what I think is appropriate for the situation. I need to continue to have respect for the other parents and children around me while simultaneously caring for my assertive and fearless boy.

I had a great conversation about this with my friend Alison and she said something like, "You are a guide for Stanley." A GUIDE! That term has already brought more clarity to this parenting improv thing. I am his guide. I will point at the doors and show him the different paths but it is up to him to choose which ones to open and walk through.