The Sadness Sale

Back in July Mike had this company come and take away books, VHS tapes and vinyl records and they paid him for it...of course they didn't pay top dollar but they hauled all of it away. Now that Stan Bear is a running-hands-in-everything-put-everything-in-his-mouth climber Mike got wise and did something. It was a dream come true. I know it was hard for him but the house feels better...we've still got a long way to go. My goal is to make Stan Bear's room, a room for HIM and only him. So our next step to simplifying was having a yard sale. It was great. We got rid of lots of stuff: a bicycle, tool boxes, shoes, clothes, bookshelves, yarn (!!!), baby clothes, diapers, changing table, co-sleeper and much more.

What I didn't expect in preparing for this sale was sadness. I got sad. I had a hard time coming to terms with selling baby stuff. A couple of nights before the yard sale we were lying in bed and Mike says, "Should we sell the co-sleeper?" The co-sleeper is where wee Stanley slept for the first several months of his life. It was still next to my side of the bed and had turned into a kind of nightstand for me. I looked at Mike with my long face and nodded yes, yes, we should sell it. Tears started welling up in my eyes. It was like letting go of my last hope for baby number two. Silly, I know.

Mike and I have exhaustively talked about children and quantity of them since the beginning of our relationship. Here's the brief history:

In 2011 it reads like this:

He: ONE/TWO 

(He said, "We should have twins." and I replied, "WHAT?!!!")

Me: NONE 

(This was while I was researching daycares. It was brief lived.)

So, we basically  came to an agreement before baby that we would just be a one baby household (see 2010). I think I agreed to it but with the hope of a second. Silly, I know. I remember the morning after giving birth, saying to Mike, "If I ever want a second baby just remind me of what I just went through in this past week." It was a rough and long week of contractions and pushing. The following months were really hard for me as well. I remember thinking, "What were we thinking?!" but it somehow gets easier (although it's still hard in many respects). And somehow it's easy to put that suffering and struggle aside or remember it in a way that wasn't as exhausting and painful as it was. I look back at my labor and think, "I could definitely do that again, my body is amaaazing!" Rather than, "Heck no, that was the most painful thing I've ever done."

My argument for having a second is siblings. I love having a brother. I would love for the Bear to have a sibling. Mike's argument is age and money...and "We have made a perfect and lovely person already" - this is true but not convincing as a reason to not have baby number two. I totally get the money thing. Daycare is expensive. It's INSANE. Plus the hours of daycare and the hours of preschool just don't make sense.(That's a whole other post to write about.) When he uses the age argument I say, "...but when you die he'll have a brother or sister to be there for him!" Ha. But I get it. Mike's 47. I'm almost 39. We started later than most. It would take a miracle to convince Mike of having baby number two...the miracle would be winning the multi-million lottery in the next couple of years.

So, selling these baby items was hard but it was part of my letting go process as well. I realize that I just need to feel sad for a bit - I need to mourn this loss (that never really was). Silly, I know.

Pssssst! I added two more box photos to Tuesday's post...check them out here...they are ADORABLE.