Two of You Made Three

We were told that having a baby will really test your relationship with your partner. They were right. Thankfully Mike and I talked about it before Aki Bear arrived on the scene so that the conversation had already begun (sometimes bringing up a discussion topic for the first time is scary - scary enough that you don't talk about it and instead it just festers creating a big wound.) We talked about it over pizza (of course!) We spoke about schedules (less freedom, coordination), money (spending, saving), and communication (gotta have it.) So far we've run up against all of these things.

Schedules - Mike has been going to yoga (we used to go together) but now someone's got to stay home with the Bear so it makes sense that it's me because one, I've got the milk bar and two, the midwife had told me to lay low due to the lochia that I wrote about earlier this week. When I'm well enough to exercise I think we will start trading off until he is old enough to take advantage of the daycare at the YMCA (I think he has to be 6 months old.) We also have one car which took coordinating before baby but we still have to be really conscientious about it. I'm sure that once I go back to work (in October!) it will be even more challenging.

Money - We've set up a merged budget (now we have to start using it!) We don't have a shared checking account but have thought that it might be easier if we did someday - even though that would come with some new challenges for us. We need to figure out how to afford daycare ($1200 per month, at least) and having a merged budget will be extremely helpful with this. We are looking into the option of an in-home day care which would be cheaper.

Communication - This is important in all relationships. This, for me, has come with the most surprises since having a baby. I'm one for keeping the slate clean - if something bothers me I get it off my chest. I'm also fairly low maintenance but now I feel like I've been letting the slate get a little chalky and I feel very high maintenance. I think I need to pay more attention to the Four Agreements from the same named book by don Miguel Ruiz:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I have been annoyed with Mike more in the last 2 months than I have been in our entire 7 years together. It's like a wrench has been thrown in between us and we're learning, in the moment, how to use the wrench to our benefit.  I'm sure I'm no peach to live with either. My focus is definitely on Aki Bear now, so in turn Mike is second string. I've read and heard about how in the first part of the baby's life the Mama and baby are creating a super bond and Papa might feel a bit left out in the beginning. I know this is happening with us now. I even relate to those mockingbird mamas who nest near our house and dive bomb the sweet but predatory orange cat who spies the nestlings up in their tree. I am that mockingbird mom. I know that Mike is not Mango, the predatory orange cat, but I'm still very snippy and protective of the Bear - even of his sweet, well-intentioned Papa. I've shooshed Mike so many times. I've avoided his eye contact because I was so mad at him for something as small as him not offering me a glass of water while trapped on the couch by a nursing baby. I've been so frustrated with him that I couldn't sing the Bear a lullaby without my voice cracking and tears falling down my face. The thing is, we've talked about my frustrations and expectations (which make me feel so high maintenance) and it feels so nice to talk about them but they seem to resurface again and again.

So, the high maintenance feeling comes from the pre-baby Erin. I was so independent and rarely needed Mike's assistance. I wasn't really ever one to ask for something. Now I feel like I am asking him to do things all of the time. I'm also bossy. I was with the sleeping baby the other night and Mike was standing behind us about to rip off his back brace which has this loud velcro hinge and I gently pushed him in the belly and said, "Go away if you're going to take that off." I didn't want it to wake or startle the baby. I apologized after I got the baby down and Mike said, "I'm used to you being bossy now and it kind of made sense." So he gets it but I hate having to tell him things over and over again. I think that they are common sense things but he doesn't have the same mindset as I do. I need to not make assumptions but also be impeccable with my word. 

My inspirational friend Em told me about how she and her partner hit some angry and rough patches right after they had gotten married. She somehow found the courage and clarity to make a change in what she brought home to the relationship. As soon as she made that change their relationship became harmonious as ever. Just like Gandhi said,

"Be the change you want to see in the world." 

It's really true. I'm going to try it while still being a fierce mockingbird mom. I just need to simultaneously let Papa bird feel welcome in our cluttered nest and create a bond with our little Squawky bird Bear. I think that getting the boy on the bottle will help them bond too.

So, babies aren't easy peasy. Those sex ed. classes in high school where you have to take care of an egg without breaking it for a week is bullsh*t. You can sleep 8 hours straight while caring for an egg. You don't have to feed an egg. An egg doesn't change your relationship with your partner (and you're probably not in a serious or mature relationship in high school anyways.) You don't have to spend money on an egg (no clothes or car seats or diapers.) Eggs don't cry they just break and when they break just remember: eggs are replaceable, babies are not. Babies take your world and flip it upside down. You have to relearn everything. How to make a meal. How to leave the house. How to talk to your partner. When to shower. Most importantly you have to remember to think about yourself...it's easy to forget about that. The upside of having your world flipped by a baby is the baby itself. So simple but true. That baby will tug at your heartstrings on the most tired and hard days. In your marriage you will always be able to share, rejoice, and even argue about the baby, it will bond you for life...this little human wields so much power. You just have to remember yourself and your partner. It's easy to just be like, baby baby baby baby baby baby. You and your partner are just as important in this family formula...after all it's the two of you that made three.

P.S. computer still down. no weekend posts. see you monday!