Losing My Parental Cool

I lost it the other night. I got so mad. This is how our evening began:

I pick Stan Bear up from daycare when we get home I hold him up so that he can open the mailbox and retrieve the mail and then shut the mailbox. Then he carries the mail into the house without dropping a single piece! Hurrah! Once we get inside he signs for milk. So, I breastfeed him. Then I ask him if he wants food (he is now able to make the sign for food) and he points to the kitchen. So we go in there and I heat up some food, it's leftover one-pot pasta and roasted cod which he devoured the night before. Once it's warmed I sit him in his booster and give him his bowl. He immediately turns the bowl over and then starts "finger painting" with his food.

UGGHH. 

Deep breath in. Exhale. 

So then I take him out of his chair and I clean up the food that is on the floor. He keeps himself occupied and then he sees some sweet potatoes in the fridge. I ask him if he wants them and he points at them. So, I heat them up and sit him in his chair and give him a plate of sweet potatoes. The plate ends up flying off the table, sweet potatoes everywhere.

UGGHH. 

Deep breath in. Exhale. 

I take him out of his chair and ask him to help me put the sweet potatoes back on the plate. He helps me do that, happily. I throw them all away. I put him outside of the kitchen. He looks at me and makes the more sign...which he also uses when he wants food. I ask him if he wants more sweet potatoes and he points at his chair. So, I heat up more sweet potatoes. He does it again.

UGGHH. 

Deep breath in. Exhale. 

He helps me clean up. We leave the kitchen when we are done and I run him a bath. He happily takes a bath. When he is done I get him ready for bed, dry diaper, jammies and in the room to read a book. We read a couple of books and then he wants to nurse. I nurse and then he gets up and makes the symbol for food. 

UGGHH. 

Deep breath in. Exhale. 

But I think, he didn't really eat anything and maybe he really is hungry.  So I make some mac and cheese with greek yogurt (it's so good). Mike is now home. So, he plays with Papa for a bit while I am making this. When it's ready I sit him in his chair and give him a bowl. He flips the bowl upside down. 

UGGHH. 

I was frustrated. I said, I give up. I lift him out of his chair and put him out of the kitchen. He's not happy. I said the F word and a sentence like, I've made you three f!@#$ dinners! I'm done. I give up. You're going to bed. I lost it. I was so mad. I think Mike was scared. I tried to calm down as I nursed him. I put him in his crib with no pacifier. He cried. I decided to let him cry it out...because I was still so peeved. He cried for almost 10 minutes and he finally fell asleep. I was still mad but I knew it wasn't him that I should be mad at. He's just a toddler, not even two. And so I got mad at myself for losing my cool. 

As I lay down to bed I had a conversation with him (in my conversation he could magically talk, or I could magically understand him.) This is how it went:

Me: Why won't you eat your food?
Bear: I'm not hungry, Ma.
M: Then why do you keep signing the word "food"?
B: Because I just learned how and it's fun to practice all the new things I am learning.
M: Then why don't you just hand me your bowl or plate instead of dumping it on the ground?
B: Because, Ma, have you tried it? It feels so good between my fingers and I like what it feels like when I smear it on the table and I love watching things fly across the room.
M: It just causes more of a mess, you know.
B: Yeah, but you should feel how it feels.
M: O.K. I understand that but it takes time and effort to make the food and heat it up. 
B: Oh, I didn't think about that.
M: Also I don't think that you should play with your food. If you want to throw something we can throw the ball or toss rocks into the creek. 
B: Alright. Well, I don't like it when you yell.
M: I know. I was frustrated. I apologize for yelling. I will try to be more understanding. 
B: O.K. Ma. I'm sorry for playing with my food but I can't promise you that I won't do it again.
M: Thanks, and I know.

That "conversation" made me feel so much better. I think I'll be able to handle future mealtime flubs more gracefully.

On another note, he woke up once for just a couple of minutes (I didn't even go in to check on him) and then slept all the way until 6 am. He usually wakes up at 4:30 and I go in and nurse him and we sleep until 7:30 am. I will take a 6 am wake up with nursing and up for the day at 6:30 am over waking up in the middle of the night to nurse and then at 4:30 am to nurse. I think it's because he didn't have the pacifier. But, really, what do I know. Sleep and food have never been more perplexing in my life.