Thoughts on Sleep

This is the Bear when he was just 3 days old!!!

I remember writing this post and then my no-cry sleep posts. I never thought I would have it in me to let the boy "cry it out." Just the sound of that sounds horrible and crappy. But with knowledge comes understanding. I'm glad I picked up the book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr. Ferber. It has taught me a lot about sleep cycles, sleep associations and healthy sleep habits for babies, teenagers and even adults. (I also just read this great article from the New York Times, Diagnosing the Wrong Deficit and how A.D.H.D may be often misdiagnosed and instead be a sleep deficit.)  But that's a whole other sleep subject.

After reading most of his book, I was able to understand what we were doing wrong with the Bear and when he cried I knew why he was crying. At first, he was crying because he was so used to falling asleep at the breast and having my warm body next to him. Now, he had to figure it out on his own. Going back in to check on him at increments of 1 minute, 3 minutes, 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes (although Dr. Ferber recommends 5, 10 and 15 minutes) was like a dance in trust and reassurance. He had to trust that I hadn't left him in his dark and lonesome crib and I had to reassure him that I was just "in the other room" and that he could figure out a way to fall asleep on his own. I also had to reassure myself that this was going to work! I like how Dr. Ferber explains the struggles of this new sleep routine in a way that we adults can more easily understand. He gives examples like, "Think again about having to sleep without your pillow. If it became necessary, say for orthopedic reasons, that you sleep without a pillow, you would most likely find it quite difficult in the beginning. You would probably be uncomfortable at bedtime and thrash around searching for a comfortable position." This helps us silly adults relate to what might be happening with our little ones in the sleep department. The day that I posted about breaking our bad sleeping habits, my friend Heather left this comment:

I just saw a facebook update from Punam Bean (do you know of her, Erin?) about the sleep situation with her little babe. Thought you might find it encouraging. I love the way she writes...
 
"I had so many ideas of what kind of mother I wanted to be to my daughter before she was born. I thought I was being reasonable and realistic thinking of what kind of baby I would have, that we would co-sleep (to a point), I would breastfeed, that I would wear her, that we would give her a Montessori nursery instead of one with a traditional crib. I am a self conscious mother of the kind running rampant in this day and age. And I was lucky - SO lucky to have ended up with this incredibly intelligent, social, friendly, beautiful creature who makes my heart ache with joy every time I think of her, or look upon her. But at night, she screams - I mean SCREAMS - almost every night - like I'm murdering her - when we put her to bed. FOR HOURS. Just to be clear - she woke up 10-12 times PER NIGHT until she was about 1 year. We cuddled with her, we co-slept with her, we pinned her down, we changed her bed time, we made sure she was tired, we gave her a routine, we gave her tylenol if it seemed like she was teething. I read all the books, tried all the advice, and nothing worked consistently. I end each day losing my temper and feeling like the worst mother on earth, while my dear girl who I love more than anything on earth screams and screams for hours on end. She's on a twin bed on the floor. And tonight, I put her down, I cuddled close to her and said goodnight to her eyes, her ears, her hair, her elbows and so on, and I said, I love you so much. I'm going to get up, and I'm going to close the door that I've always left open. But I'll be right there, on the other side, and I won't leave until you fall asleep. Yes, I Ferberized her. What I swore I would never, could never do. My 14 month old. Because I was out of options. What did she do?
She screamed for 1 heartbreaking minute, went back to bed, and fell asleep.

So, the moral of the story is, I will never judge another mother for doing what works. I am a bad mother if I don't get some peace. And sleep. And here we are. Tomorrow is going to be a great day."

This line made me cry, "...I cuddled close to her and said goodnight to her eyes, her ears, her hair, her elbows and so on, and I said, I love you so much. I'm going to get up, and I'm going to close the door that I've always left open. But I'll be right there, on the other side, and I won't leave until you fall asleep."  I absolutely relate!!! You feel horrible about "Ferberizing" your baby, so you tell them how much you love them and assure them that you'll just be in the other room. And we do love them so much. (Mike says to me often, "Don't you just love him sooo much?" I love that.) And we don't want them to suffer, or be sad, or scared or uncomfortable. BUT IT WORKS. And that's why we have this dance of reassurance and trust and go back in if they are still crying. We gently touch their soft faces and sweep their hair out of their eyes and kiss away their tears. We let them know that we are there, just around the corner. And we get sleep, which means we can care better, play better, love better. And our babies sleep better. Because they sleep better they eat more and are nourished better and have a more predictable routine during the day. They are smart, these little humans. Stanley Bear slept for 11 hours the other night and the night after that. He made a couple of peeps throughout the night but I didn't get up to check on him and he was able to put himself back to sleep.

Before we started this routine we would tuck him in, close the door to his room, tip-toe around. I would snap at Mike for making the littlest of noises. It was such a tense atmosphere. With this new routine I chose to leave his door open. I felt like if he was crying he would feel comforted if he could hear us or see the glow of the light on in the other room. Now, I put him in his crib awake, give him kisses and say goodnight. I walk out of the room with the door wide open and Mike and I make dinner, talk in our regular voices, do dishes or laundry, watch T.V., listen to music...and he sleeps. He sleeps.