Awakening

This image was an entry in a National Geographic photo contest.

I remember seeing the above image while I was still pregnant. I thought it was beautiful...I still think it is beautiful but I'm more realistic or hardened by my own experience now. I didn't get that natural water birth. I wasn't filled with that emotion that the woman in the picture seems to be experiencing. I didn't get to hold my baby right from the get go and when I did get to finally hold him he had some breathing irregularities and was swept away from me again. Even when he was swept away from me and the pediatrics team came in to check him out and put an oxygen mask over his little face I just sat there - no tears - just silently watching. I don't know what I was thinking other than having this feeling that he would be O.K. and not to worry about it. But gosh, pregnant me or even pre-pregnant me would have been an emotional wreck.

I think I romanticized my labor and what giving birth to my baby would or could be like. I thought it would be beautiful, I thought I would be instantly in love with this tiny human being that was made with just that, love. But no, it wasn't instantaneous. I felt responsible for him so I made sure he got milk, I never missed a feeding while he was in the NICU. It was like our relationship was all business; I would feed him, change him, clean him, rock him, sing to him, but I didn't feel that love that I imagined I would feel for him.

One day, last week, Stanley was about 24 days old or so, I was sitting on the couch cradling him while Mike and I were watching the Olympics. At one point I looked down at my sleeping baby and was overcome with love and I started to cry. Mike looks at me and says, "Good tears?" and I said yes and that I think I loved him (my baby). I know that sounds ridiculous but I honestly wasn't that enamored with him for a good 3 weeks. I am relieved to say that I've finally come around. It was like I was woken up to this amazing little being where before my head was all foggy and my eyes weren't seeing things very clearly. He's perfect and I love him...how can you not love this face: