The Dark Period

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetops,

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

I remember thinking that song was horrid yet darkly funny - why would you sing such a scary song to a sweet baby? (I looked it up and read the history of it, you can read it here and they don't really mention post partum or baby blues as being the reason for it. I was convinced that a post partum Mother wrote it.) Now that I have a little one I relate to it in a different way. Thankfully, what I call my "dark period" has passed. I would say that the dark period lasted somewhere between 2 and 3 weeks. That's when things were still new, my lack of sleep was catching up with me and I still didn't quite understand what was making the baby tick (I still don't all the time, but I feel like we're on the same team now.)

Being exhausted does not help in caring for a child. I can handle his cries easily if I'm rested and badly if I'm not. I have to take at least one solid nap per day otherwise around dinner time I'm a wreck, or close to it. Even if I feel energetic and I want to do something productive, like laundry, or email or write a post for the blog I make myself lie down for a nap - I always thank myself come evening time.

I had lunch with a friend the other day. We were talking about that "dark period" and she confessed to me that she thought horrible thoughts when she was a new mom (this was decades ago now). Her thoughts were as horrible as "If only they would die I could go back to my life as it was before." Horrible - but I got it.

It's dark - this dark period - no joke. 

I was thankful for her confession as dark as it was. I didn't have that exact thought but I did think the first several nights we were home with him, "What did we do? I think we've made a mistake." and wished for that single life again. I know that we aren't the only ones on this earth that have thought horrible things like that. They are thoughts that we don't really mean...I think it stems from our desperation, exhaustion, and something in our psyche makes us want to survive in any way possible...we experience the most frustrating thing at that moment and want to figure out what can be done to remedy it. When you're tired and frustrated and perhaps depressed you go to dark places. I assume that the majority of new moms don't act on these dreadful thoughts but instead let them roll over them and deal with their new situation compassionately and sensibly which is what my friend and I did despite our thoughts. They were only ever thoughts. It is immensely helpful and essential to have outlets and support throughout caring for a child, beyond the dark period as well. Our partners, friends, family, fellow mommies, our midwives and nurses and doctors, being able to journal (or blog!) are all so helpful. Unfortunately there are those mothers who go off the deep end...where these thoughts turn into a tragic reality. I feel for these women - I used to think they were monsters - but now I feel for them.  I don't think that they are in the right by any means, I just think that they had normal thoughts and instead of taking the appropriate measures they acted on these insane thoughts. They went out of their senses - out of their minds - and actually acted on them. They must not have had a good support system or did not seek help and I can't help but feel for them. Even fathers or partners can make tragic mistakes. While we were still at the hospital they had us watch a video on Purple Crying which is something that they say all babies experience - some more than others. It's when a baby cries for "no apparent reason." Sometimes they can cry for up to 5 hours. (OY!) They say that this is when the "Shaken Baby Syndrome" can happen - which is when the caregiver gets so frustrated that they shake the baby as if to say, "What's wrong with you!?" Babies have died from this and have become mentally and physically disabled from being shaken. It's such a horribly sad and preventable thing. You can read ways to deal with a baby's prolonged cries here. I can understand this frustration too and I sympathize with people who have gone to that place of shaking their baby.

Image from wn dot com

I see myself as a fairly easy going, laid back person but a couple of times I have gotten to the point of frustration where I could see why people would shake the baby - I didn't. Luckily because I learned the coping techniques I instead took many deep breaths and once I even put the baby in his bed and attempted to let him cry it out - which only lasted 5 minutes, I couldn't stand it. I know parents do that all the time but I just can't do it. I'm not good at it (but is anyone good at it? probably not.) Luckily Aki Bear doesn't often cry inconsolably (knock on wood). Usually there's a reason for his cries: dirty/wet diaper, tired, hungry or some other discomfort. He does have, on average, one fussy period per day. One day I was so tired (about a week or so ago). I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong with him. I became extremely frustrated. I sat on the couch and held him while he cried (he loves being held). I couldn't stand anymore because my back was killing me and my arms were tired (He is so heavy now. I think he's 14+ pounds, Mike thinks he's closer to 15 pounds.) I just sat there holding him as he cried and tears streamed down my face as well. I took many deep breaths and then mustered up the energy to try something new and attempted to swaddle him for the fiftieth time. (Changing his position is a good technique in calming him, if only briefly.) This fiftieth swaddle was the charm. I put him in his bed and he fell right to sleep. That has only happened (the inconsolable crying) twice so far, THANKFULLY. It truly is one of the hardest things - listening to a baby cry and not understanding why. For me, rest is the key. Having a good support group is essential too; it truly does take a village.

Even though the history of that song says nothing about the "dark period" I still cannot sing it - not even if I sing it in a humorous way. Maybe I'll get over it with time but the emotional roots of it are too real for me now...I understand it differently now that I have this great responsibility of raising my boy. I think it's good to recognize the dark period as well as any frustrations afterwards but I am thankful that we've survived and learned so much from those first several weeks. I can see the light now. As for that lullaby I would rather sing a song about love and light or use reverse psychology (ha!) or just hold him while he cries. It's the best I can do.