Biting and Nurturing this Beautiful Spark

I've been lucky thus far on the biting-the-nipples front...but I think my luck has run out. Whenever he has teeth coming in (I think his bottom canines are starting to pop through in addition to those big ol' molars!) he tends to be rougher when nursing...I think it is because he is getting used to the new teeth. He also nurses more - to soothe I think. The other day he bit down and I pushed his head toward my breast, as I heard that was supposed to help, but it didn't in this case so I yelped, "No!" and he smiled and kept biting. I said no again and  I detached him from me. He smiled and laughed. I told him it wasn't funny and that it hurt but my response just made him laugh more. I was so upset. My initial thought was, "What a little devil!" and then I tried nursing again and he bit and pulled away while biting...imagine eating a Charleston Chew candy bar and pulling it away...yes, chewy, candy bar nipple. YOW! I told him that it hurts and that we don't bite and he just smiled and giggled. So I did the unthinkable and I said to him, "Do I have to show you what it feels like?" and he just laughed and smiled. And so I bit his upper arm just hard enough so he could see what it felt like. He cried. I picked him up and told him that I was sorry and that I loved him but that biting hurts. He stopped crying fairly quickly. I felt bad about what I did all day long. If he kicked me, I wouldn't kick him to show him that kicking hurts. If he hit me, I wouldn't hit him to show that hitting hurts. So why would I bite him? Why was he smiling and laughing? That's what perplexed me the most and made me think he was being devilish. I was frustrated and scared - but why scared? I had so many questions. So, I went to seek advice from Janet Lansbury's blog. I've mentioned her before, mostly when I was still pregnant, here, here, and here. She teaches Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE) style parenting. RIE was founded by Magda Gerber and Tom Forrest, M.D.  This is their vision statement for RIE:

"Through our approach which honors infants and young children as equal members in relationships, we are dedicated to creating a culture of people who are authentic, resourceful and respectful. Our work is inspired by the natural integrity of infants and the formative power of relationships in their lives. When allowed to unfold in their own way and in their own time, children discover, manifest and inspire the best in themselves and in others. We are profoundly committed to sharing the opportunity to see infants with new eyes."

Janet Lansbury quotes Magda Gerber on her site:

"Take the mobile off the bed, take care of their needs and leave them alone."

I like that quote because I feel like it gets to the heart of RIE. Babies don't need frills. They are smart beings and will learn more on their own than with their parents constant intervention; away with helicopter moms! Reading her words and philosophies were so inspiring when I was pregnant. I wanted to use the RIE philosophy when I became a parent. Now having the baby outside of the womb I must say, it's hard, you have to train yourself to not show him how to do something, to see if he can figure it out instead because your instinct is to help. If he is crying, instead of picking him up right away, watch and see if he can figure it out for himself. A majority of the time he figures it out. What I've learned is that crying is his way of expressing frustration, weariness, or pain. If I see that he's frustrated, for example, I try to say, "I see that you are frustrated. Are you trying to figure out how to turn the knob?" So we're engaging in a conversation and it shows that I'm aware of what he is feeling. It acknowledges his feelings (she writes another great article on that here.) Sometimes I will show him how to do it but a lot of the time I tell him that he is on the right track and that I know he can do it and he usually figures it out. It's so interesting. What's challenging about this approach is that your first instinct is always to help; instead you have to practice patience and step back before acting. So I went to her site and looked up biting and it was oh, so helpful. I came upon this article: Biting, Hitting, Kicking and Other Challenging Toddler Behavior. Just in the first two paragraphs she had me. She asks why would you take this behaviour personally? Here is the second paragraph:

"We get triggered and become angry, frustrated or scared. We might lose perspective and find ourselves stooping to our child's level, going at it head-to-head with a tot who's only a fraction of our size. We might be compelled to lash out, even hit or bite back (!), or attempt to regain control by sternly laying down the law, shaming or punishing our toddler in the name of "teaching a lesson". "

Holy moly. Everything she said is how I felt or what I did. I got angry, frustrated and scared. I bit him back. So what can I do differently? Why does he bite? He bites because he needs help. I know it is because he has these new things in his mouth and he wants to either experiment or ease his pain. I like what she wrote as an example for what to say when he bites...I wrote it on a piece of paper and hung it on the wall as a reminder to myself:

"I won't let you bite me. That hurts. I'm going to have to put you down and get something you can bite safely."

She talks about Perspective and Attitude - understanding the child and having the right attitude in order to communicate with him effectively. She talks about Anchors - the child needs our patience and empathy so that they feel safe in coming to us later and telling us how they feel. Finally she talks about Unruffled Responses - instead of screaming "NOOOO!" when he bites me, try to say calmly, "I won't let you bite me." This is harder than you may think because when tiny piranha teeth chomp down on your nipple and then pull away like your nipple is salt water taffy the first thing you want to do is scream "NOOOOOOOOOO!" but it's the screaming no that makes him laugh. He thinks, "Mama is making some fun new sounds" and he wants me to make more of these fun new sounds. Having this perspective immediately helps answer my question of why I was scared. I was scared that he was turning into a mean little bully. Sometimes I forget that he is experiencing everything for the first time. He is full of wonder, awe, excitement and intrigue (he points at the pen jar like it's made of gold and butterfly wings and filled with licorice and pixie sticks.) I wrote the post the other day titled The Things He Does where I wondered about how we lose the joy, innocence and appreciation of everything. It seems children are so full of life and it's as if our spark gets tamped out the older we get. I think it's instances like me biting him that smother this beautiful spark. I wish I could take it back but I won't dwell on it...I'll look ahead and respond unruffled and acknowledge his feelings. I'll try my hardest.