For New Parents

I love the blog Pregnant Chicken. I've mentioned it twice before in the post Pregnant Moody and the post To Eat Placenta, or Not to Eat Placenta. My friend Suganya shared with me this post from the Pregnant Chicken with a bunch of different inspirational quotes for new parents. I love them all really. Here's one of them:

Check out all the rest here.

I Want This Sculpture

I found this on Janet Lansbury's facebook page. If only I could put Stanley on this in the middle of the night when I feel like the walking dead. Ha!

I Had No Idea

Baby's fingernails are super soft but they grow. I've trimmed his nails twice now. It's really fun. Sometimes I think I should open a manicure/pedicure salon because I enjoy cleaning up peoples finger and toe nails so much. I hope he lets me always manicure his nails.

Newborns go through an average of 22 diapers a day (at least my newborn does...he's a poop/pee machine.)

Once the umbilical cord stump falls off it still looks tender and raw but let it air out and it's practically healed. Still a little scabby a few days later but looking as adult as ever.

Cloth wipes + warm water is the way to go. Good for a rash free bum.

Cloth dipes feel wet for him. Paper dipes he can go on wearing them without a fuss, even if they are wet. This isn't always a good thing because it still gets warm and moist in there; a clean dry diaper makes for a healthy bottom. When it comes time to potty train and he's in a cloth diaper he'll be able to sense when he has peed/pooped more easily.

Having a baby in the summer time means you don't really need any clothes for that stage. He's worn two items of clothing so far. He wore a shirt for the ride home in the hospital, same shirt to the pediatrician and a little onesie to the midwife's appointment. He's probably surpassed 10 pounds by now which means he won't fit in practically all of the newborn clothes he has. Plus he looks funny in clothes because we're so used to seeing him just in a diaper.

I can get by on snippets of sleep. I didn't think that was possible or that I'd get used to that. I do take pretty lovely (but short) naps. But I've always been a good napper.

Swaddling is magic. Most of the time. If he has a wet diaper or is hungry then a swaddle won't work. But if you make the magic formula work then it is truly dynamic.

I can be totally annoyed and tired but still manage to talk to him like he's God Almighty himself. He's sweet and innocent and cannot tell me what is bothering him which makes me very empathetic. Sometimes I take it out on the swaddling. A tight swaddle equals a frustrated mom but it usually does the trick.

The cat only goes near him when he cries. I wonder if he sounds like a mewing kitten and is making her milk glands swell in response. Or worse, maybe she thinks he's her prey and she's catching him in a weak moment.

It's not impossible to shower or bathe and have a child (one child at least). I shower once a day. It's the best escape ever...well, that and getting out of the house to run errands or go for a walk. I have baby sat for a 6 year old and his two twin sisters who were maybe 20 weeks or something. I baby sat for 2 nights 3 days for them once and never showered. How do people do it?

I'm sure there are more things I had no clue about. I will continue my list when I remember or discover more!

Worst Thing in the World, No. 1

I'm convinced that one of the worst things in the world is hearing a baby cry. Especially when you don't know what is wrong with him. His diaper is dry and clean, he just ate and won't eat any more, you burp him, swaddle him, sing to him, bounce him around, nada. I'm currently letting him "cry it out" which is tormenting. It sounds like he's losing his voice...not only a cry but now a raspy cry. It's been 3 minutes now. I've given him and myself 5 minutes. It's hard not to go to him. Poor guy. One more minute and I'll pick him up. The longest minute in the world.
____________

God Bless America, his diaper was wet. I swear he pees every 5-10 minutes. Now he's swaddled and in my arms and I'm singing him "God Bless America". Let's see if he goes down now. Wish us luck.

Best Thing I Bought This Week

I bought one of the best things this week: a Munchkin Warm Glow Wipe Warmer . I received lots and lots of cloth baby wipes as well as disposable ones. We were using the disposable ones because they are way more convenient but he was getting a red little tush. We asked the midwife what to do about a red tush and she asked us what kind of wipes we were using. We told her the disposable stuff and she said to check to see if there was alcohol in the wipes because that can dry out and irritate a sensitive baby bum. She also said to just wipe his bum with warm water. So we stopped using the disposables and started soaking the wipes under warm water but this got to be a hassle because every time we'd change his diaper we'd run to the bathroom in order to soak up a wipe with warm water. So I went to Target and used one of our gift cards to get this wipe warmer. OOHH LA LA, I kinda want one in the bathroom to use for our adult bums. His red tush ain't so red anymore thanks to good old fashioned cloth and water.

He's Real!

His first piece of mail. "Official Business". It was fun seeing his name printed like that on a piece of official biz. He's real!

Umbilical Cord Stump

His little umbilical cord fell off on his 2 week birthday. I changed his dipe put him on the bed and noticed it was gone. I exclaimed, "Where's your belly button!? Where'd it go?!" I looked everywhere for that stump and finally found it down my huge, breastfeeding, cavernous cleavage. Now I know I can hide a small watergun in there. His cord stump looks like a raisin. I still have it and am thinking I should keep it, but where do you keep something like that? I'm afraid the cat might eat it. And just because it fell off doesn't mean he has a perfectly normal looking belly button. It was slimy looking and pink. I washed it with some mild soap and water. It started drying up and scabbing again today. I can't wait for it to heal completely so I can give the stinker a bath. I wonder if he'll like baths as much as I do?

Survivors

Passed out with Nana Harriet at almost 2 weeks old.

 I am writing this on a Sunday night - We have survived the first couple of days without my parents here to help. I managed to do two loads of laundry and hung them on the line and pulled them from the line when it looked like rain! I fed myself breakfasts and lunches. Mike made dinner on Saturday (I made the rice in the Japanese rice cooker that my mom and Mike figured out how to use!) and he bought me a burger from Buns for dinner tonight. I was watching "Primal Grill" on PBS today - the cooking show where he has like 6 different types of grills running at once and slathers his meat with something fatty once the meat has been cooked to perfection. Today he was grilling beef ribs and I had a sudden urge for red meat, so I ordered Mike to get us a burger. I ate some leftover steamed vegetables too just to rid myself of the guilt. Anyhow, I'm getting off track by talking about food, surprise! My parents were a huge help. This is what they did: laundry, dishes, cleaned mildewed tiles in the bathroom, mopped floors, yard work, diaper changes, comforting baby, my dad put up the clothes line with concrete posts in a sunnier spot, they grocery shopped, bought baby stuff, like bottles and breast pump accessories and night lights (things that we realized we needed). I'm sure they did more...oh, duh, they cooked. My dad bought a slow cooker and made us some of the most amazing meals from that thing. He also made from scratch some guri guri, which is a Japanese frozen dairy treat...something between ice cream and sorbet. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD! You have made this transition a hundred times easier.

Stanley with Stan Grande at just 3 days old. Look how much smaller he is here compared to the picture above!

Placenta, Polenta, Let's Call the Whole Thing Off

So, my plan was to keep my placenta and see how I felt postpartum to see if I should eat it or not. The OB, Kacey, at UNC asked me before they sucked Stanley out (!!!) if I wanted to keep it, I said yes and she asked for a doggie bag (not really, but she asked for a container.) So after I delivered dear Aki Bear Kacey and Hot Doctor worked on getting my placenta delivered, what they did exactly, I don't know. But it seemed like they were fishing in my uterus. I know you're not supposed to pull on the umbilical cord so, I'm not sure exactly what they were doing. Plus I just squeezed a human out of my birth canal so I was a little distracted and relieved and tired. They could have been doing a tap dance routine and I may not have noticed. It was finally delivered and deposited in a little to-go container. Allison said she'd take it back to the Birth Center and that I could pick it up sometime next week.

When Patty came to do our home visit she said she'd bring my placenta. She did but we both forgot about it. She called us the next day to tell us she spaced out and left it in the car for 5 hours. So, it was probably no longer edible unless I wanted to catch some rotten placenta illness. I know, a lot of people think placentas are inedible even if they were not left in the car for 5 hours. So you could say I was saved by the bell (midwife). Instead, we will bury it somewhere. She said we could bury it and then a couple years later plant a tree in that spot. I'm not sure if we'll do that at this property we live at currently or if we'll keep it in our freezer until we live in a more permanent place.

Last night we were trying to figure out what to have for dinner and Mike was shouting out stuff we had in the fridge and freezer and of course he said, "Placenta!" It sounds so much like polenta.

Attaboy!

Someday we'll get a picture of him with his eyes open. In the meantime enjoy his closed eyes cuteness.

We've been home for almost exactly two weeks now and we've already had 3 midwife/doctors appointments. We came home two weeks ago today and spent our first night with wee Stanley in our home. Let me just say, IT WAS ROUGH. I was at my wits end. I must have cried. I know I said, "What is it that you need?!" Because nothing would calm our little one down. We were still exhausted from the labor and delivery and stay at the hospital, so that didn't help. We both know practically nothing about babies. Somehow, within all the chaos of baby crying, me losing my patience and Mike being frustrated, Mike grabbed the book, "The Happiest Baby on the Block" and skipped to the "how to swaddle" chapter. He calmly read it and followed the directions as if folding a perfect origami crane. It was pure magic. Stanley calmed down and finally went to sleep. We were stunned. They say that the tighter you swaddle the better. Mike's a pro and he taught me how to do it so now we both can swaddle with our eyes closed.

The next morning we called the Birth Center to ask them if we could have the home visit be sooner rather than later because we felt so lost in so many ways. Midwife Patty came around noon to our house we hung out in the bedroom while Stanley slept and we talked about our rough first night. She listened and gave good advice like, "The only parents Stanley knows are you, he has no one to compare you to." Thank goodness! Ha! She also talked to me about breastfeeding which was also good. She checked out my stitches and those were good. When Stanley woke up she watched me breastfeed a little and then she did a physical exam on him. She tested his little toe reflexes, his circulation, his heartbeat, his hip bones, his boy parts, he even pooped for her. He makes perfect poops. She also weighed him. He was born at 7 lbs. 15 oz. He lost 10% of that weight while in the hospital. Just one night home and he now weighed 8 lbs. 4 oz! So he gained the 10% back  plus 5 oz. more! So he is definitely getting plenty of milk.

The next day we had a Pediatricians appointment. I found a pediatrician via the internet and I think I made a good choice because she was great. Dr. Lawrence. She basically did a physical on him and asked us questions about labor and delivery. She weighed him and he now weighed 8 lbs. 9 oz! He gained 5 more ounces in a day! Growing boy! She gave us her pager number and we can call her any day any time and she'll give us a call back.

Yesterday we had our 2 week appointment at the birth center. We got to see midwife Allison and she was working with a midwifery intern who did most of the questioning and work ups. She had me take a postpartum test and I am in the "safety zone". I'm not going to do anything cuckoo. She said that being emotional is totally part of the plan. I cry when someone tells me that they love me and support me. I cry when Mike says something insensitive (I usually can handle it and respond back to him but now I just cry.)  I cry when eating hamburgers. I cry when typing. I cried a lot before I was pregnant but this is just a whole other level of emotions. It's not all tears though, I laugh a lot and I am starting to really enjoy Stanley's alert times rather than me thinking, "GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!" So I think I'm on the right track. Anyhoo. They weighed him  and said, "They usually gain back their birth weight by now." They put him on the scale and it read 9 lbs. 15 oz! Surpassing his birth weight. 2+ lbs in two weeks, attaboy!

Birth Story Part IV : NICU

NICU - 48 hours


Seeing our baby in his little bed in the NICU was strange. I still wasn’t emotional at all. I think it hadn’t sunk in that he was ours. The nurses said that he was doing really well and hadn’t had anymore breathing or dusky spells. He had an IV giving him antibiotics – I think this was for some slight meconium staining (which I wasn’t even aware of until that moment). He had three monitors taped to his chest and we could view the readouts on the screen near his bed. One was for his heart rate one was for respiratory patterns and I forgot what the third one was for. It looked more intense than it was. All of those wires and tubes were more of a hindrance than a scare. Everytime I would breastfeed him I had to make sure all of these wires were not snagging on something. Because I wasn’t able to initiate breastfeeding in that first 12 hours Stanley’s glucose levels dropped below 50. The nurses gave him donor milk via syringe/tube and I believe with a spoon as well. We had to get three good glucose levels above 50 in a row in order to stop doing glucose tests, AKA heel pricks. His poor heels were a mess.

You can see all the little pin pricks on his heels. Poor fella.

With my milk plus donor milk we got two good results and the final good result was on my breast milk alone! Hurrah! There were good things and bad things about the NICU.

Good Things:
•    Almost one nurse to one patient 24 hour care. His nurses cared for him and one other baby who was actually in an incubator type of thing. The NICU has 7 pods(rooms). From what I could tell some pods had more babies in them than others. Stanley was in Pod G and there were 4 babies in there and 2 nurses. It was nice to know that there was a knowledgeable person in there all the time just in case something happened.
•    We had a variety of nurses. Leah, Soly, Dan, Alyssa, Lynnette and the charge nurse, Krista. They were all very different but all very helpful. They would call me in my room whenever Stanley started to stir so that I could come down and breastfeed. Many of them would help me with breastfeeding or talk to me about newborns or have me watch safety videos like infant CPR or purple crying or car seat safety. Dan was extremely knowledgeable about breastfeeding. He gave me all sorts of advice from stimulating my milk ducts to helping tube feed donor milk to pumping my own milk.
•    Lactation Consultants, Robin and Monika were amazing. During the day they would meet me practically every time I would go to feed Stanley. Robin was the lead consultant, she would massage the breast, tell me what to look for in a good latch. She taught me how to self express and feed him with a spoon. She was truly amazing and I learned so much from her.


Bad Things:
•    Pacifiers – The nurses would use a pacifier to help calm him. This isn’t a horrible thing but for a situation in which we started breasfeeding late the lactation consultant thought that he was getting nipple confusion from the pacifier (he did some damage to my right nipple, it’s fine now.)
•    Bath. The first nurse, Leah, gave him his first bath and it was rough. She was really aggressive. His hair looked fabulous afterwards but I really wanted all that skin stuff to soak in, it’s supposed to be good for his skin not washed away. I think I was too tired and inexperienced to speak up.

That’s all. The NICU, all and all was fantastic and I felt totally secure in the fact that Stanley was in the care of these good nurses and doctors.

Mike and I stayed in a hospital room one floor below the NICU. The nurses would call me on the hospital phone whenever Stanley was hungry, which was every couple of hours, I never skipped a feeding. So after an exhausting labor we continued the sleepless nights in the hospital. Mike would wheel me up to the NICU in a wheel chair. I was still really weak, my ankles were so swollen and my lady parts were healing up from the delivery. I eventually was able to use the wheel chair as a walker to let Mike get some sleep and skip feedings. I also had the nurse wheel me up a couple of times so Mike could catch up on sleep. Walking was good for my edema. There was a pantry on our floor where we could get juices, apple sauce, ice cream and granola bars. We would raid that at least twice a day. Nurses would come in regularly to check that my uterus was descending and to make sure that I was peeing and pooping. They brought me multivitamins and motrin. They checked my blood pressure too. Our first midwife Emily came to see us the day after the delivery – I guess it was still July 6! She sat with us for a bit and Mike cried a little while telling her how much he appreciated her calm and wise advice and support through the first part of our labor. It was sweet. We told her how the rest of the delivery went and she was amazed because she thought I was going to have him soon after her shift ended the day before. We had just gotten back from feeding Stanley and we told her to go visit him in Pod G! I hope she made it up there O.K. We also were visited daily by Maureen, the director of the Birth Center. She was extremely helpful as usual. She said that babies are like pancakes, the first one always sticks but the second one comes out a perfect golden brown. She was still trying to convince us to have baby number two. It will take a lot more convincing than that!

We waited for Sunday, July 8 to roll around and give us good news of Stanley being discharged, we had to wait until after 11am to see what the doctor said after she did her rounds that morning. In the meantime, Maureen, drew up the discharge papers for me to leave that day. I couldn’t wait to go home. Plus my parents were arriving that day. Mike was at home waiting for their arrival and they were going to come to the hospital directly after dropping off their bags at our home. Mike and I went to the NICU (While my parents waited in the waiting room) and talked to nurse Lynette while she did the car seat test (He had to sit, strapped into his car seat for 30 minutes while observing his heart rate and respiratory tract.) She went over documents and gave us a bag of stuff like diapers and little things like his umbilical cord clamp and blood pressure cuff. Once we did that we were free to go! He slept all the way home and the rest is a blur.

First car ride!

I don’t remember if we slept or ate or cried or caught up with my parents. It was lovely to be home. To have Stanley sleeping right at my bedside rather on the floor above me. I could watch him sleep. Hang out with him when he was alert. It was only the beginning of more challenges and the beginning of getting to know one another. We’re still learning about one another. Now my parents have gone home so we get the real test to see if we can do anything (cook, laundry, bathe) without the assistance of my extremely helpful parents. Wish us luck.

Read Birth Story Part I
Read Birth Story Part II
Read Birth Story Part III

This Isn't Easy

I've heard it before. Parenting is hard. I heard it but didn't really hear it. What did I think people meant when they said that? They usually also said after saying it was hard that it is amazing as well. I'm not there yet. I'm still on the hard part. I'm not in love, I day dream of my past life while I sit up in bed in the middle of the night nursing this wee human. Don't get me wrong I have love for this little guy. He's adorable and new. It's just harder than I ever thought it could be. I have much respect for all of the parents out there. I have even more respect for those who have more than one....or might I ask, what were you thinking?! Ha!

Birth Story Part III : Hospital

Not so hot picture of myself on drugs.

Hospital – 9 hours

We arrive at the hospital around 6 PM on Thursday, July 5. Mike drops me off at the front door where midwife Allison meets me with a wheelchair. I have several contractions on my way up to the 4th floor of labor and delivery. We arrive in my room; it is big, the walls are painted a dusty blue, there’s a hospital bed, a bathroom with a shower and tub, a couple of windows, a sleeper couch (that Mike spends the night on), a place for the baby to sleep, and lots of monitors. I just stand there rocking to and fro when nurse Darci walks in. She has dark hair with a pixie cut and she is spritely. She says, “I will be your nurse for the next one and a half hours.” Her shift ends at 8. She sits on the rolling stool and pulls out a little scrappy piece of paper that looks like it could be a paper napkin and begins asking me questions like, “Are you allergic to any medications?” “Do you want your child to be circumcised?” I have a contraction while standing there and say, “I’m having a contraction, just a moment.” and I breathe through it, rocking back and forth on my feet. After she asks me the official questions she asks me how long I was at the birth center and I tell her a short version of the beginning of our journey. She is impressed with how chipper I am after all I’ve been through. Mike finally makes his way up with all of our bags. I know he is ready for sleep. Darci tells us about the philosophy of UNC Hospital’s birthing program. We are really impressed. They practice putting the baby directly on the Mom’s chest after delivery and they let the umbilical cord pulse out before cutting it. They do all of the tests (APGAR) on the baby while he is with the mother. They can change the lighting and the temperature in the room. They encourage breastfeeding. Apparently UNC and Asheville are the only two hospitals in North Carolina that really push and practice these philosophies. I finally sit in my bed and Darci hooks me up to my 3rd or 4th dose of penicillin as well as some fluids. She puts the heart rate monitor on my belly so that we can keep tabs on the baby’s heart rate throughout the delivery. She also attaches this other monitor to my belly that tracks my contractions. Since I will be given an epidural this monitor will help the nurses and doctors know when my uterus is contracting. It displays the patterns of my contractions on the computer screen. Darci even comments on how long my contractions are.

The red line above shows the baby's heart rate. The black line below shows my contractions.

I am fascinated by this hospital room. I tell Darci that I’ve never been a patient in a hospital before so I am amazed with all of this stuff. She shows me this big ol’ retractable light that looks like the Starship Enterprise. With the push of a button it comes down and out of the ceiling and just like a light at the dentist you can position it to shine on just the right places ifyouknowwhattamean. She calls the anesthesiologist (Wow, I just spelled that without looking it up or making an error, pat on the back.) to let him know that I am there ready for the epidural. He comes in 15 minutes later, tall, lanky guy with blue scrubs, very friendly. Darci puts a shower cap on my head. I sit up in bed and he and his superior comes in mid contraction and introduces himself – I hold up my hand to him while breathing through it. When I’m done I apologize to him and say, “What was that?” He reintroduces himself and everyone says I shouldn’t apologize for having a contraction. Ha. They continue to do the thing they do with the epidural. I cannot see anything. I assume they are putting a needle or IV in my spine somewhere. It involves tape because the sticky residue of it remains on my back one week later. When they are done I lay back and the tall lanky doctor says he’ll be back with a cup of ice in 30 minutes or so to do the ice test. When he comes back he puts an ice cube on my left lower abdomen and asks if I can feel it, nope. He puts it on my upper left thigh, nope. He puts it on my lower abdomen, nope. Right side, brrrrr, I can feel it. He says that I should lay on my right side to get the medicine to drip to that side, all it takes is a little gravity to change the flow – how very low tech. We do that for a bit and it helps a tad. He gives me this little button that looks like a toy rocket ship painted kelly green with white stripes and tells me that if I need to up my epidural to press the button. He has put me in charge of my own pain, how strange. I tell him that he must be a popular guy around here. My first contraction comes and I can feel it but it’s a lot less painful. The next one comes and I don’t feel it at all except for a very painful pressure in my rectal area. It hurts enough for me to say OW outloud. I tell the new nurse (her name is Cathy I think - I can't believe that I don't remember this for sure because she was there for the birth and all of the pushing!) and they tell me that it’s hard to get rid of rectal pressure like that with an epidural but she pushes the green rocketship button once. The next contraction I have, the rectal pressure is still there. It feels like someone has taken a bocce ball, put it in my pelvic bone and is standing on it so that I can feel it on the back side of the pelvic bone. I think it must be that darn occiput posterior head. I push the green rocketship button again and midwife Allison walks in and asks how things are going. I tell her about the rectal pressure and she pushes the green rocket ship button again. Ha! I’m going to be in outer space pretty soon. Nurse Cathy apparently called the anesthesiologist to let her know about my right side being somewhat less numb (my foot is even colder on the right side. My left foot is super warm. So a lady doctor comes up, she administers me more epi with a big ol’ syringe. I hope she doesn’t kill me. My legs become jello, can’t feel ‘em. Rectal pressure is almost zip. I ask if this affects the baby, they say it doesn’t. I trust them plus I can’t feel pain anymore which is amazing especially after days and days of intermittent pain. I tell them to give Mike an epidural too, they just laugh. They administer a minimum amount of pitocin in order to get my contractions closer together and stronger because after all this time they are still not close or regular! My body is a mystery. I can still tell when I’m having a contraction without looking at the monitor because my tummy rises up and takes the shape of Yosemite’s Half Dome. The right side goes higher than the left. They tell me that I can push when I have a contraction. We start with me on my back and Cathy holding my right leg and Mike holding my left leg. My hands are behind my thighs they tell me to push three times each time I have contractions but I feel like I can push 4 or 5 times. They have me push for a count of 10. One one thousand, two one thousand... Mike becomes the official counter by the end of the night. I push with all my heart. I want this baby out! We try this position for a while and then we try with me laying on my left side with my right leg up, I curl my back and keep my chin down, count to ten. Then we try it on my right side. The baby’s heart rate is still as regular and strong as ever. He is a happy camper in there. I move to my back and Cathy gives me one end of a rolled up towel or piece of fabric. I hold onto it with both hands and she holds on to it in front of me. I push during the next contraction while pulling on the towel. We do this many times. We try it while on my sides as well. They up the pitocin. They bring a U shaped bar and hook it to the bed. I use it to hold on to while squatting. I try pushing that way for awhile. We attach the towel to the bar and try pushing that way while I pull on the towel. We seem to be making a wee bit of progress. The way that Allison explains it to me is by holding up her hands, pinky sides touching and pulling her hands apart and then putting them back together again. So she can see the baby’s head a little during each push but then the curtain closes again. Open, close, open, close. Apparently we are not having a baby before the stroke of midnight. The baby’s position remains this way for hours, no progress. It’s probably around 2 am on July 6 when Allison talks to me about the lack of progress. She recommends having the Obstetrician come in to see what they can do. So 10 minutes later The lead OB comes in she is young, probably in her 30s, big pearl earrings, golden hair and skin with big blue or green eyes. Her name is Kacey. She used to be a kindergarten teacher. With her is, as Mike calls him, the “Hot Doctor”. He is the chief resident, blond, blue-eyed, young. His name is Jason. They give the Grey's Anatomy cast a run for their money. Kacey is very friendly and explains to me the situation. She wants to try vacuuming the baby out. She says we can either use forceps or vacuum but that vacuum will cause less damage than forceps. She says that if this fails they will have to do a C-section. She explains that they will apply a little suction cup (which is about 2.5 inches in diameter) to his head and will attempt pulling him 3 times. If it pops off or fails for a third time they will cease using the vacuum because they don’t want to cause a hematoma on the top of his little head.

This is kinda what the vacuum looked like, from what I can recall.

She also explains that once they start this the Pedes team of 5 or 6 doctors and nurses are going to be coming in and it’s going to appear a little bit chaotic. She doesn’t want me to freak out. They are there to help and check on the baby. Before they attach the cup she wants to see “what she’s working with”. On my next contraction she asks me to push to see how strong my pushes are. If I was weak they probably wouldn’t have even attempted the vacuum. She says that if I push 100% that the vacuum gives me an extra 10% of push. The next contraction rolls around and I push. She is the ultimate cheerleader, “Good job, push harder, push even harder! A little more! You can do it! I know you can push harder!” Her cheers really rile me up and I push with everything I’ve got. When the contraction passes she looks at me and says, “Oh yeah, I can work with you.” So, Hot Doctor attaches the suction cup, nurse Cathy holds this hand held pump to administer the suction. I’m watching all of this with front row seats. The Starship Enterprise light is the only light on in the room besides the lights glowing from the monitors behind me and the heat lamp above the baby bed. It is dramatic. Kacey’s face is dramatically side lit, and lit softly on her face, her pearl earrings all aglow. There is a table behind her with sparkling tools like scissors and clamps laid out in perfect order on a sky blue drop cloth. I see Allison standing behind the Hot Doctor. Cathy near my right foot with the pump. Mike is to my left side. I see the Pedes team on the ready towards the back of the room, their faces lit only by the heat lamp above the baby bed. It’s quite the scene with dramatic lighting. On the next contraction, Hot Doctor pulls, I push, Kacey cheers me on. Mike says that we make progress so much that the suction cup is now outside of the birth canal so the baby’s head is just behind the curtain. Hot Doctor/Jason repositions/resuctions the cup and on the next contraction we repeat the pull/push routine. It is not painful but I can feel the baby coming out – making his appearance. I push several more times and then my contraction ends but I imagine that his head is halfway out and I say loudly, “Can I push again?!!!” Kacey says, “YES! Push again!” I do. His head is out and she holds it and looks at Mike, “Here’s your baby boy!” and I must push again and out comes the rest of him. It’s 2:56 AM on Friday, July 6, and with the help of all these people Stanley Akibjorn makes his big appearance. Kacey holds him as Jason holds the umbilical cord to Mike and Mike cuts the cord. They sweep him away and the Pedes team checks him out and makes sure that no damage was done with the vacuum. He scores a 9 on his one minute APGAR and a 9 on his 5 minute APGAR. They bring him to me, he has a little blue and white hat on his head.

We attempt to breast feed but he seems sleepy which is weird because what I’ve read they say that newborns usually have a 2 hour alert period right after they are born. But nothing has gone as planned, my contractions were never regular although I was dilated 9 cm., the maximum amount of pitocin was not really making my contractions do what they are supposed to do, so I figured baby was just pooped from the whole ordeal even though his heart rate stayed a healthy 140-150 the entire time! The room had quickly cleared out and it was just Mike and me. I look around and see that table that once was impeccably organized with sparkling scissors and clamps was a bloody mess. I told Mike to take a picture but he refused. Apparently right underneath my feet was a big puddle of blood and chunks of uterine mish mash. Mike said it was horrible. I asked Mike to call my parents and I spoke with them as Stanley rested on my chest. He started making funny but adorable breathing sounds. It was an inhale that sounded a little bit like a chortly gasp and then the sweetest sounding exhale like, “Aaaahhhh.” Five seconds would go by and the same gasp and then sing songy exhale. When Cathy came in with a tray of food for me we told her that his breathing was odd and she took him to his little bed and listened to his heart and then called the Pedes team back up. I was surprisingly calm and unemotional. I didn’t touch my food but just sat and watched the Pedes team listen to his heart, put an oxygen mask over his little face. The lead doctor came to me and said that they were going to take him down to the NCCU (NICU) and run some tests and observe him for 48 hours. In Stanley’s discharge papers it says,

FINAL DIAGNOSES

Reason for Admission:

Dusky spell with some irregular breathing while breast feeding that resolved slowly with vigorous stimulation.

Primary Diagnosis: Cyanotic attack of the newborn

Secondary Diagnoses: Sepsis Evaluation, Physiologic Jaundice

Intrapartum Factors:

Meconium staining

Additional comments: Cyanotic attacks of newborn. Stanley was reported to have a cyanotic spell while infant was breastfeeding with delay in recovery despite vigorous stimulation. Upon arrival of NICU team Stanley was noted to be pink with good spontaneous respiratory effort. however, he was transferred to NCCC to facilitate continuous CR and pulse ox monitoring. Stanley has had no episodes of apnea, cyanosis since admission to NCCC.

So he was put in the hands of the good doctors. Mike and I were exhausted. I ate some food. Apparently the OBs gave me some sort of anti-hemmhoragic suppository which has a possible side effect of chills. Of course I got them. Violent chills. Here I thought I would get a good nights sleep without contractions! The nurse brought me in two heated blankets but I was still audibly chattering my teeth and shaking. I eventually began sweating and finally towards the later morning my body temperature was under control. When we were up we went to visit Stanley in the NICU. This was the beginning of 2.5 more days at the hospital.

Birth Story Part IV : NICU coming next
Read Part I
Read Part II
Read Part IV

A Name is Born

This was our little list of names that we liked:

Lots of classics like Charles, George, James, Alfred, Edward which are all family names. I really liked the name Archie but not derivative of Archibald, hence the crossed out Archer. But our neighbors son across the street is Archie and that would be strange. We just liked the sound of Sam or Samuel with Mike's last name. Harold is a very popular name here in the south. Plus my favorite garbage man's name is Harold. Mike liked Espen - it is a Danish name. I really liked Desmond - after the character in the TV show Lost. We were trying to find boy names with Aki in them - like Akihiro or Akira - which is my Uncle Harry's middle name. We were only joking about José, although I think it has a nice ring to it with the last name. I really loved the name Axel or Aksel. I especially liked the Aksel spelling because we could shorten a Danish name to a Japanese nick name: Aki. Mattias was another favorite of ours which is a family name on Mike's Mom's side. We almost gave the boy two middle names and one of them was going to be Hajime (HA-Jee-MAY) which is my paternal grandfather's eldest brothers name which means, "the beginning" in Japanese - which I love. But our second middle name was going to be Thorbjorn which would have made for the longest name in history. We really liked Thorbjorn and we and everyone else was calling him Thunder Bear already so we felt we needed to keep that name. Some third string names were Valentine, Bjorn and Kenji.

I really wanted to honor someone on my side of the family since he would be having Mike's last name. We weren't going to torture him with a long ol' double last name! Imagine that with two middle names like Hajime Thorbjorn K________ S_________. That's a mouthful. I tossed in the name Stanley, after my dad and Mike liked it. He said something like, "That is a good person to be named after." No pressure little Stan. So then we had Stanley Thorbjorn Hajime. So long. I even looked into shorter Japanese names but none of them stuck:

I had a dream around my 30th week of pregnancy. I was calling out to my son and I was calling him Aki Bear. I told Mike this and he said, "Like Aki Bjorn?" Yes. He asked if it would be two names or hyphenated or one name. I said, "Two names." But then I saw this list that Mike wrote:

And I loved what Akibjorn looked like as one smooshed together, made-up, dual Japanese/Danish name.

And Stanley Akibjorn was born.

One of the coolest things is that the name Aki is both Japanese and Danish - well, actually an Old Norse name. See all of the meanings below:

Stanley = From a surname meaning "stone clearing" in Old English. A notable bearer of the surname was the British-American explorer and journalist Sir Henry Morton Stanley (1841-1904), the man who found David Livingstone in Africa. As a given name, it was borne by American director Stanley Kubrick (1928-1999), as well as the character Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams' play 'A Streetcar Named Desire' (1947). My dad, Stanley K.

451. ÁKI: Old Norse name derived from a diminutive form of *anuR, meaning "father."
452. AKI (Japanese: 1-秋, 2-明, 3-晶):
     1. Danish form of Old Norse Áki, meaning "father."
     1. Japanese unisex name meaning: 1) "autumn" 2) "bright" 3) "sparkle.
         
        
        301. BJORN: Old Norse name derived from the word bjorn, meaning "bear."
        
        

Birth Story Part II : Birth Center

In the tub at the birth center.

 Birth Center – The Next 19 Hours

It’s 11:58pm on Wednesday July 4th. We’re on our way to the Birth Center. I’m really looking forward to being there because I think it will either give me confirmation of something, or comfort from my pain, or the extra support that I think we both need, or all of the above.

We arrive and midwife Emily greets us along with nurse Missy. Emily has this calm, no-nonsense but warm vibe. The first thing she does is check my cervix. As of my last midwife’s appointment, the Wednesday prior, I was 2 centimeters dilated. I lay back on the full size bed in the warm, dimly lit room. Surprise, surprise, I’m 9 centimeters dilated! What!? I shouldn't be that far along with my irregular contractions. My body is a mystery. We’re all very surprised. Even the midwife that we talked to on the phone was surprised at this news when Emily called her to tell her my status. At this we are happy and we think we’re gonna have a baby…and soon! She also says that my amniotic sack has broken – which I don’t even recall when that happened. I think there was just so much discharge that I couldn’t tell the difference between that and my water breaking. She also says, “He’s got a full head of hair.” How cool! Emily draws me a warm bath. Meanwhile Missy puts an IV in the inside of my right wrist to administer my first dose of Penicillin, which I will get every 4 hours until the baby is born to steer away the Beta Strep from wee Stanley. They also give me fluids to keep me hydrated.

Here I am standing and probably breathing thru a contraction. I've got penicillin (small bag) and fluids flowing into my IV

As soon as I plop in the tub I feel so much better. This bath is luxurious and big; 4 pregnant me’s could fit in there, or maybe just two, comfortably. I breathe through each contraction but feel like I can manage them better with the hot tub. Mike sets up the camera on the tripod to capture the birth of our baby. Emily cuts up a delicious nectarine and brings it to me; it is juicy and sweet. Unfortunately my contractions are still irregular: 10, 9, 12, 11, 9, 5, 8 minutes apart. Emily has me sit on an exercise ball in the shower and roll my hips on it (the hoochie coochie dance) as the shower head stays on my breasts to stimulate them. She is hoping that this will help dissolve the last bit of my cervix. It’s like the baby is putting a t-shirt over his head but the last bit of the t-shirt’s neck is still hanging on to the head. We need that shirt to “dissolve” - to pull over the head completely in order to make progress. It feels like we are in the shower for ages. Mike’s back is getting achy and he is tired. He doesn’t have the contractions to keep him alert and awake like I do. My contractions get closer, but are still irregular: 6, 6, 6, 5, 5, 4, 9, 9, 6 minutes apart. They also feel constant – long – like they don’t go away – it’s hard to tell when they end yet I’m able to tell when they begin. At some point Emily checks my cervix and says that it’s just a hairline left. She tells me, if I remember correctly to try pushing on the next contraction. It’s kind of amazing. Pushing with a contraction almost makes the pain of it go away. I enjoy pushing. She tells me to try and go to the bathroom because a full bladder can sometimes hinder the opening of the cervix. I sit on the toilet, nothing. I turn off the bathroom light, nothing. Emily puts a few drops of peppermint oil in the toilet to help stimulate the urethra, nothing. I stand and squat, nothing. She brings me a cup of water with a straw and tells me to blow bubbles into it, nothing. I sit in the tub and try, nothing. They leave me alone in the room because I tell them I have performance anxiety, nothing. I do get a contraction or two while on the toilet and I try pushing while I’m there. Emily says that’s a good spot to push because I’m supposed to push as if I’m pooping. Anyhow, no pee. Lucky me gets a catheter. What an uncomfortable thing to have done. It feels like what you would imagine…something too big going up a hole where things only ever come out. The tissues of the urethra are pure and untouched, only ever to have warm fluids stream gently out of it. The catheter tube feels rough and scratchy on it’s way up but once it’s in it’s O.K. and urine comes out. My urine is dark, like a refreshing ale. I need to up my fluids.  Mike is there to hold my hand as I breathe through the catheter insertion. I get 2 more catheters while at the birth center because I am never able to pee on my own.  After the unleashing of the urine I try pushing more while sitting on the toilet. I face backwards and push. I face forwards and push. This is the beginning of my abdominal and rectal workout. They also try binding my belly to get his hands up and away from his head, we think this also might be keeping him up when we want him down. 8 AM rolls around and Emily and Missy’s shift is over. They both give me a hug and Emily says that she wishes she could be here to catch my baby. I hugged her back and said, “I will find you.” So that she could definitely meet our boy once he was on the other side of my stubborn cervix.  The next shift brings us midwife Allison and nurse Carrie. Allison is from New York. She reminds me of my mom’s cousin’s wife Debbie. She’s got the same New York accent. She’s probably in her 50s and has been catching babies for decades. One of the first things Carrie does is put a catheter in. Mike isn’t there, I think he went to get some coffee or food in the kitchen. So I squirm through this one on my own. Allison checks my cervix and says there’s still a centimeter left. We push a little but my contractions are still too far apart to really make any progress with pushing. She confidently and almost immediately recommends that we take a nap and rejuvenate ourselves. So, we do but it’s hard. When I lay down the contractions come on stronger. So every 5 or so minutes I have a contraction. In between I try and rest. It is impossible for Mike to get solid Zs through my contractions as well. But we try. Once the “napping” is done we continue pushing. We try the toilet positions again. We try on my back with a person on each of my legs and my own hands behind my thighs. We try laying on my side with one person holding up my top leg and me curling my back with my chin down. We try that on the other side as well. We try squatting while hanging onto a bar. We try squatting with Mike holding me from behind. We try the birthing stool which puts me in a squatting position but I have handles on the seat of the stool to pull up on. We try everything but standing on my head. Allison thinks that his head is occiput posterior, so basically I’m having the dreaded back labor. She tries to feel what way his head is facing but is having trouble. But his back is still facing the front side, so he’s all twisty up in there. Early evening is rolling around and Allison matter of factly sits at the foot of the bed and says to me that this is a situation – a situation where I am exhausted, so tired that my contractions are still not coming closer together, so tired that they are not coming on as strong as they should be, as well as my tissues being swollen – where an epidural would ease my pain and aid in my exhaustion and where pitocin would help bring my contractions closer together and stronger. I agreed. I’d been at home for 72 hours and at the Birth Center for 19 hours. It was against all I had written in my peaceful little birth plan:  no water birth, no playing with the baby in the bath afterwards yet I didn’t feel defeated. I felt a sense of relief and that the time was coming closer to when I’d get to meet this little guy. I had tried my hardest with the help of my birth partner, Mike, with two awesome midwives and two wonderful nurses but my cervix wasn’t budging. Baby was happy in there. Throughout all the contractions and pushing his heart rate stayed a healthy, happy 140-150 beats per minute. Allison made some calls to UNC Hospital while Mike packed up the car. He broke down the tripod and put it in the trunk and brought all of our food home (since it’s just down the road). By the time he came back for me Allison had set everything up for us at UNC and was going to drive there and meet us at the front door of the Women’s Hospital. As we drove there I had many more contractions. I was breathing them out now like they were easy as pie. It was strange being in the car, with the sun shining in on me after being captive in a dimly lit room for hours and hours. My hair sloppily pulled back and bangs pinned back with wisps of hair sticking out everywhere. Stopping at traffic lights and watching the people go on about their day, crossing the street, eating ice cream, laughing, talking while I sat in the passenger seat of our car breathing out contractions. It was bizarre. I was ready for the next part of my labor adventure and had a feeling I’d get to meet our little boy before the clock struck midnight.

Birth Story Part III – Hospital : Coming next!

Read Part I here
Read Part III here
Read Part IV here 

Birth Story Part I : Home

Here is a snippet of our notes on timing my contractions.

Home – The First 72 Hours

The cramps probably began on Saturday, June 30th or so. I wasn’t positive if they were contractions or not. Folks always told me that “you will know” when you have a contraction. I wasn’t sure, I didn’t know, so maybe they weren’t true contractions. 

Monday, July 2 at midnight – My contractions (I feel I can call them contractions now, I’m still not positive though) are intensifying. They really do feel like menstrual cramps.

Menstrual cramps, for me, feel like dull aches in my lower abdomen. The more painful they get I imagine that dull/mild ache is still there but with added layers of pain. If it were translated into sound it would be a constant, drone-like bass sound. Once that sound is established a second layer/sound begins and it is a bit higher pitched but in the same lower abdomen area and its tone moves up and down but in the higher register. On top of those two layers is another sound and this is more like an obnoxious smoke alarm beeping loudly but not at a regular pace. On top of all of this my entire uterus is contracting, the muscles are tightening up (this is not painful). I feel like the pain and the muscles contracting are separate from one another but somehow related. It’s not a pain that I feel all over my uterus, just in the lower abdomen, but the entire muscle is tightening up. That’s the best I can do, description-wise. It doesn’t feel like a catheter being shoved up your hoo-ha (and I know, because I had 4 catheters over the length of my stay at the Birth Center and the hospital), it doesn’t feel like you’re being punched in the stomach – that would be a welcome swap. It’s its own special pain the only pain that can bring a new human being into the world.

So, we’re at home and we start timing the contractions since they are becoming more painful. We want to see if they are becoming more regular or stronger. They seem to get worse at night or worse when I lay down on my side – which doesn’t make for a good nights sleep! I see my first positive sign of labor and continue to see it for the next couple of days, the loss of my mucous plug! During the day, when I move around they seemed to really slow down which makes me think that this is just pre-labor. The midwife says to call in either when contractions are 10 minutes apart (to give them a heads up) or if my water breaks. We spend this first night mostly awake.

Tuesday, July 3 – A second sleepless night. At least every 30 minutes I arise with violent pains that I have to breath through. When in bed I focus on a row of books on the bookshelf and with each breath I count each book on the shelf. The shelf I counted has 50 books on it. If I face the other direction in bed I count the spokes on the bicycle wheel. This counting is really helpful. I try to imagine the blue balloon as well which helps with my breathing but the counting is my ultimate coping mechanism. Mike says, “Good thing I’ve kept these bikes and all these books – they are coming in handy.” They were. Another thing that helped me through a contraction was Mike would rub my leg or arm or foot or back to the rhythm of my breathing. At one point, after a contraction, I get up to go to the bathroom and I get the most violent chills ever. I’m shaking BADLY my teeth are audibly chattering. Mike draws me a warm bath.

Here are some details from the notes.

Wednesday, July 4 – We are both exhausted. We have had 2 full nights and 2 full days of no solid sleep. We are now onto night three. The contractions sometimes get closer but then I’ll take a shower or do laps around the house and they’ll slow down. I think we’ve called the midwife at least once in the last couple of days. We call again and tell her that they are about 10 minutes apart (10, 12, 11, 9) still not perfectly regular and she says to either call back when they are 3-4 minutes apart of if my water breaks. We get them to about 5 minutes apart for about an hour but then I take a shower and the next one comes 20 minutes later. So frustrating! The other abnormal thing is that a majority of the contractions are lasting 2 plus minutes long, some are up to 3 plus minutes long. The things I’ve read say that they will last up to 90 seconds long during active labor. I’m not even in active labor (as far as I know) and they are lasting twice as long as that. I’m becoming an ol’ pro at dealing with these very long and painful contractions – counting books and spokes. But we are pooped. At one point Mike drifts off to sleep and I say, good for him, one of us should sleep! But my contractions feel like they are getting longer and stronger and I’m breathing and moaning and Mike doesn’t stir. I am crying and becoming doubtful – I don’t think I can do this. I say things, through tears, like, “I don’t think I can do this.” and “Ow it hurts, it hurts.” and “Help me!” Thoughts of epidurals and C-sections are dancing in my head. I startle Mike awake and through tears tell him that I cannot do this without him and that I need his help. We are both exhausted – did I say that already? We call the midwife to tell her that I’m feeling doubtful. She says that nothing can slow down true labor contractions – not a bath, not a walk  - it is like a freight train, nothing can stop it. She asks if I am feeling the contractions beginning in my back and then wrapping around to the front. No, I am not feeling that. I never really feel that. My back does ache but I don’t ever feel a true wrapping around my torso of pain. Most of the pain is in the front.

We are close to midnight on the cusp of July 5 and it’s about as unbearable as can be. I just cannot imagine that if these are pre-labor contractions that I am feeling then what in the hell does active labor feel like?! The meanest thing I say to Mike throughout all of this is, “We should have gotten a doula.” I never yelled at him or said something unreasonable like, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!” But I felt, in that moment so alone and realizing that he too was exhausted I think that having a second birth partner would have been a smart thing for a long labor like this – but I thought I’d have a 6 hour labor. Big, fat, HA. We were both going on 3 practically sleepless nights and days and Mike still had a bit of an ear infection so he wasn’t 100%. I apologized to him within the hour but we both agreed that having another body to help out would have been really helpful – especially during this home part that seemed to be lasting for a very long time. It was hard – bearable (I’m alive) but quite challenging and tiring, physically and mentally. The last 7 contractions before we go to the Birth Center are 10, 10, 8, 6, 2, 4, and 9 minutes apart – still not regular but as Mike wrote on our notepad, “Painful/crazy”.  Thankfully the baby had been moving in there for the last 72 hours, so I was assured that he was O.K. He was, however, beginning to punch me in the cervix. OUCH. I would cry in pain over this too saying things like, “Baby, please stop!” and “Why baby!??” We called the Birth Center for the 4th or 5th time and she finally said to come in – even though they weren’t 3-4 minutes apart yet. Mike packed up the car (which seemed to take forever) and I had at least 2 more contractions before we hopped in the car and drove down the road to the center. 11:58pm is what read on the car clock 2 more minutes until July 5. Seventy-two hours of irregular but strong and long contractions at home and one more on the car ride over. I was looking forward to having some extra assistance and to know if I had made any progress at all – even one more centimeter would have been welcome news.

Read Birth Story Part II
Read Birth Story Part III
Read Birth Story Part IV

Papa Bear

Even through a challenging labor and the realities of caring for a new human there have been some light moments that have kept me sane. Thanks to Mike for making me laugh and laughing along with me. He has been the biggest surprise about this journey. I wouldn't say he was a lover of kids or that he was even over the moon about having kids. He's been pretty nonchalant about it all. Yet watching him learn, change, grow right before my very eyes has been absolutely amazing. I may have been the one that was really pushing to have kids but he is the true natural. He is unmistakably Papa Bear extraordinaire.

Here are some funny things that have kept things light:

• When we were past our June 28th due date he said, in a perfect Adam Sandler voice, "The fetus doesn't want to meet us!"
• The second morning after the delivery we were in my hospital room. Mike bought me a burger and I was devouring it while he was washing the breast pump. He's at the sink and cheerfully says, "I think we're back on track!" He turned around as tears were streaming down my face while I was eating a burger. It was pretty funny. We both started laughing/crying.
• When I'm nursing and he makes me laugh me and the baby shake and then he starts singing the milkshake song and dancing, which then makes me laugh even more.

• A couple days after the delivery we were eating lunch in the hospital cafeteria and as I picked up the packet of salad dressing I said, "I'm just gonna squeeze this out." Mike said, "If only it were that easy." HA!
• He ran me into the back wall of the elevator almost every single time he would push me to the NCCU to see the baby. Laughably the worst wheelchair driver ever. 
• In his ladies man voice while changing the baby's diaper, "I'm gonna teach you a dance and the first move is 'lift your butt up into the air.' "
• He commentates the baby sleeping. Such as...in a whisper, "Watch how his chest moves, slow slow, fast. It really is amazing, I think it will put him in the championshi - oh my ladies and gentleman look at that kick/punch double combo!"
• When the baby farted he said with pride, "I didn't even have to pull your finger!"
• Or when baby farts he says, "Oh yeah?!" and then farts as if it is a competition.

I'm sure there are more things but those are the ones I remember. I'm a lucky gal.

One Week

A Comparison

Sorry it's been so long. We've come a long way in just over a week. This is hard. But then it is so easy at the same time. I've got lots to share so keep coming back. I think I'm getting the hang of things better each day (I'm actually nursing while typing! Hallelujah!)

I thought these baby pics were fun. I really think little Aki Bear looks like baby Mike but with my closed eyes (ha!) and upper lip and dark hair. The essentials are Mike tho - plus both of them are very gassy.

Perfection

All Nighters

Wednesday, July 4, 2012, 4PM EST

We've had a couple of all nighters now. I'm still not having true labor contractions - irregular - they should come at a steady rhythm, get longer and more painful. It's such a strange thing to hope for more painful contractions but it is what we want in order to continue on in a positive path to get this little guy evicted from hotel uterus. Like I said in the post "Preliminary Signs" taking a shower or bath, or sitting up throws things off. The last midwife I spoke with said that in true labor something like a bath will not throw things off. True labor is like a freight train - nothing can get in it's way. So apparently I'm riding a trolley and need to get off and get a ticket for that freight train. CHOO CHOO!

Mike is hanging in there. He is pooped as am I. We took a long nap today to prepare for another long night. It's so easy to feel doubtful and frustrated - more so when we are exhausted. I'm reminding myself that women have done this since the beginning of time. Women really are tough - I admire us.

It Does Not Remain Forever

While I was having "pains" the other night Mike was reading to me from a couple of his books. He read this passage from the book "The Art of Living - Vipassana Meditation - As Taught By S.N. Goenka" by William Hart:

Equanimity

Then how is one not to make oneself unhappy? How is one to live without suffering? By simply observing without reacting: Instead of trying to keep one experience and to avoid another, to pull this close, to push that away, one simply examines every phenomenon objectively, with equanimity, with a balanced mind. 

This sounds simple enough, but what are we to do when we sit to meditate for an hour, and after ten minutes feel a pain in the knee? At once we start hating the pain, wanting the pain to go away. But it does not go away; instead, the more we hate it the stronger it becomes. The physical pain becomes a mental pain, causing great anguish.

If we can learn for one moment just to observe the physical pain; if even temporarily we can emerge from the illusion that it is our pain, that we feel pain; if we can examine the sensation objectively like a doctor examining someone else's pain, then we see that the pain itself is changing. It does not remain forever; every moment it changes, passes away, starts again, changes again.

When we understand this by personal experience, we find that the pain can no longer overwhelm and control us. Perhaps it goes away quickly, perhaps not, but it does not matter. We do not suffer from the pain any more because we can observe it with detachment.

Easy for him to say. HA!

But really, I like what he says about it not remaining forever and that it is constantly changing and passes away and starts again, changes again. I am going to try and remind myself of this passage during the "pains".

Preliminary Signs

I'm still pregnant.

I am having some preliminary signs of labor such as the loss of the mucous plug and some possible contractions but they are coming very irregularly and I can throw the regularity off by either sitting up or going to the bathroom. People say, "Oh, you'll know when you're having a contraction." I am at the stage where I think I have had them but not sure if it is pre-labor/false labor or early labor. Because of their irregularity we (the midwife and I) think it is pre-labor. I'm calling them "pains" because that's what they are. I've been feeling these pains since midnight Sunday. It's fun waking up every 15-30 minute with these "pains".

No Matter What, No Matter When

I had a theory. They say that your first baby usually arrives late and your second and
subsequent births arrive early or on time (although I’m a second baby and arrived a few
days late, so nothing is 100%) My thought was that first-timers are sitting around lazing
around waiting for that first mysterious contraction; second timers are busy caring for their first little
one - they are distracted and not thinking about that first contraction. I thought I could
psych myself out and go to work, stay busy, keep walking, clean, clean, clean, prep, prep,
prep. Nothing is really wrong with all of that but what I think I was leaving out in this
theory was the anxiety, the mystery. I could stay busy and think I was faking myself out
but I think I still had this tension buried deep down. There’s no faking your body out. Not for
long anyways. Who knows what makes you go past your due date. It probably is some
complicated body thing or maybe some psychological thing or a combination of both or neither. Ha!

I think that hearing that I was 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced at my last
appointment and being told that the baby would probably be here before the weekend got
me so excited; my expectations were so high. Now it is Sunday afternoon and I’m sitting
here still pregnant; it’s three days past my due date. I took a wonderful nap yesterday and
really relaxed but today I just couldn’t bear to sit around all day. I was getting restless. So
I went out to get some peaches and vitamins and my regular, weekend treat, a Venti Decaf
Mocha Frappuccino. But before I did that I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. I
told Mike that I wanted to go to work tomorrow but I wasn’t looking forward to seeing
some of my coworkers, who have been nothing but generous and sweet, but a girl can
only take so much of the same thing, “Baby this, baby that.” “You’re still
pregnant?!” “How you feeling?” “Is everything o.k.?” “I thought for sure you wouldn’t
be here today.” “What are you doing here still?” etc. etc. etc. I can’t seem to even look
down and read a piece of paper without somebody asking me if I’m o.k. It was driving
me CRAZY. The thing is, I feel comfortable enough to go to work and my sassy self (who my
mom knows too dearly) loves telling people at work who ask me “What are you still
doing here?” that our maternity leave sucks and if it were better I wouldn’t be here. Or
when the 80th person asks me if my parents are calling me everyday and sooo excited I
say straight faced, “No, my and Mike's parents are very laid back and are not like everyone here.” Yeah, that is a little mean. That is also a sign that I was at the end of my rope because although I have a sassy side I think I’m a pretty nice, chill, and polite person. Someone at work even started
a “Baby Watch Update” which I wasn’t included in or asked about…whatever, that’s
fine, I don’t mind people talking about my cervix behind my back(just kidding) I thought
that was just weird…welcome to the information age I suppose. I think, although I have
this blog and tend to overshare on it I haven’t publicized it on facebook or sent the link to
a massive amount of people. My family reads it and a select few and I don't mind you readers sharing it with people, I like the idea of it being shared by word of mouth. Of course it's out there on the interwebs so if any ol' person searches for "garlic clove" my Garlic Clove in the "Fanny Pack" post might come up as a result. That's fine. I think when it comes down to it I’m a fairly private person
and the culture at work seems to be the opposite of that. Everyone’s business is
everyone’s business. Being pregnant just puts it over the top. I’m thankful for the
kindness and love that people have shown me but I feel like I cannot be that private
person there that I’d like to be. It’s like the big bump that extends out in front of me
crosses that line leaving my body on the other side of the line. The line that the bump
crosses over gives people permission to talk and share. But that bump is still attached to
me, it is still a part of me. Wow. That turned into a bit of a rant. I’m done now, with the
ranting.

So, Mike talked me into not going to work. That I shouldn’t worry about using up my
maternity leave even though the baby isn’t here yet (that was one of my concerns).
He told me that we could make it work. We will make it work. We will cut back on
other expenses, he will sell things on ebay. At my last appointment the midwife was
encouraging me not to go into work next week either (if the baby wasn’t here yet). She
said that we should take this time to enjoy the last bit of my pregnancy with just the two
of us. Go swimming. Eat eggplant parmesan. She made it sound so magical. Mike’s
sister Jen said something similar to Mike, to do things now that we won’t be able to do so
easily once Thunder Bear is here. Like go to a movie, which we plan to do tomorrow if
I’m still with child. I think all of this advice is really good and I think it will help to relax
me. Mike had me say this affirmation:

“I, Erin, give myself and the baby permission to go into labor at the right time.”

I repeated it, through tears, many times. It was a good emotional session and let me
release a lot of my anxiety and tension. Mike is like my therapist. Thank goodness
gracious for Mike. So I'm heading into this week work-free, more relaxed, and accepting of my post date. So all is good here on the homefront no matter what, no matter when.


Image from: think baby