The Relativity of Exhaustion

Last night Mike said to me:
"I can't believe how tired I am. It's from waking up at 8 o'clock."
All I said was, "Are you serious?" and walked out of the room.

Poor Mike.

Here is a day in the life of Erin and Aki Burrito:

Noon: feed
1:07: woke up, rocked back to sleep :)
(I think I took my good solid nap in here)
3-3:30: feed
4:45: down to sleep

No real sleep during the following blocks of time:
5:48-5:57pm: feed
6:58: short feed
8:08-8:20: feed
9:25-9:45: feed

10:30pm: down (finally)
12:25 (midnite): feed
2:45am: feed
4:45 am: feed
6:45 am: feed
8:00 am: feed
11:45-12:05: feed
12:54: down

The Dark Period

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetops,

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

I remember thinking that song was horrid yet darkly funny - why would you sing such a scary song to a sweet baby? (I looked it up and read the history of it, you can read it here and they don't really mention post partum or baby blues as being the reason for it. I was convinced that a post partum Mother wrote it.) Now that I have a little one I relate to it in a different way. Thankfully, what I call my "dark period" has passed. I would say that the dark period lasted somewhere between 2 and 3 weeks. That's when things were still new, my lack of sleep was catching up with me and I still didn't quite understand what was making the baby tick (I still don't all the time, but I feel like we're on the same team now.)

Being exhausted does not help in caring for a child. I can handle his cries easily if I'm rested and badly if I'm not. I have to take at least one solid nap per day otherwise around dinner time I'm a wreck, or close to it. Even if I feel energetic and I want to do something productive, like laundry, or email or write a post for the blog I make myself lie down for a nap - I always thank myself come evening time.

I had lunch with a friend the other day. We were talking about that "dark period" and she confessed to me that she thought horrible thoughts when she was a new mom (this was decades ago now). Her thoughts were as horrible as "If only they would die I could go back to my life as it was before." Horrible - but I got it.

It's dark - this dark period - no joke. 

I was thankful for her confession as dark as it was. I didn't have that exact thought but I did think the first several nights we were home with him, "What did we do? I think we've made a mistake." and wished for that single life again. I know that we aren't the only ones on this earth that have thought horrible things like that. They are thoughts that we don't really mean...I think it stems from our desperation, exhaustion, and something in our psyche makes us want to survive in any way possible...we experience the most frustrating thing at that moment and want to figure out what can be done to remedy it. When you're tired and frustrated and perhaps depressed you go to dark places. I assume that the majority of new moms don't act on these dreadful thoughts but instead let them roll over them and deal with their new situation compassionately and sensibly which is what my friend and I did despite our thoughts. They were only ever thoughts. It is immensely helpful and essential to have outlets and support throughout caring for a child, beyond the dark period as well. Our partners, friends, family, fellow mommies, our midwives and nurses and doctors, being able to journal (or blog!) are all so helpful. Unfortunately there are those mothers who go off the deep end...where these thoughts turn into a tragic reality. I feel for these women - I used to think they were monsters - but now I feel for them.  I don't think that they are in the right by any means, I just think that they had normal thoughts and instead of taking the appropriate measures they acted on these insane thoughts. They went out of their senses - out of their minds - and actually acted on them. They must not have had a good support system or did not seek help and I can't help but feel for them. Even fathers or partners can make tragic mistakes. While we were still at the hospital they had us watch a video on Purple Crying which is something that they say all babies experience - some more than others. It's when a baby cries for "no apparent reason." Sometimes they can cry for up to 5 hours. (OY!) They say that this is when the "Shaken Baby Syndrome" can happen - which is when the caregiver gets so frustrated that they shake the baby as if to say, "What's wrong with you!?" Babies have died from this and have become mentally and physically disabled from being shaken. It's such a horribly sad and preventable thing. You can read ways to deal with a baby's prolonged cries here. I can understand this frustration too and I sympathize with people who have gone to that place of shaking their baby.

Image from wn dot com

I see myself as a fairly easy going, laid back person but a couple of times I have gotten to the point of frustration where I could see why people would shake the baby - I didn't. Luckily because I learned the coping techniques I instead took many deep breaths and once I even put the baby in his bed and attempted to let him cry it out - which only lasted 5 minutes, I couldn't stand it. I know parents do that all the time but I just can't do it. I'm not good at it (but is anyone good at it? probably not.) Luckily Aki Bear doesn't often cry inconsolably (knock on wood). Usually there's a reason for his cries: dirty/wet diaper, tired, hungry or some other discomfort. He does have, on average, one fussy period per day. One day I was so tired (about a week or so ago). I could not for the life of me figure out what was wrong with him. I became extremely frustrated. I sat on the couch and held him while he cried (he loves being held). I couldn't stand anymore because my back was killing me and my arms were tired (He is so heavy now. I think he's 14+ pounds, Mike thinks he's closer to 15 pounds.) I just sat there holding him as he cried and tears streamed down my face as well. I took many deep breaths and then mustered up the energy to try something new and attempted to swaddle him for the fiftieth time. (Changing his position is a good technique in calming him, if only briefly.) This fiftieth swaddle was the charm. I put him in his bed and he fell right to sleep. That has only happened (the inconsolable crying) twice so far, THANKFULLY. It truly is one of the hardest things - listening to a baby cry and not understanding why. For me, rest is the key. Having a good support group is essential too; it truly does take a village.

Even though the history of that song says nothing about the "dark period" I still cannot sing it - not even if I sing it in a humorous way. Maybe I'll get over it with time but the emotional roots of it are too real for me now...I understand it differently now that I have this great responsibility of raising my boy. I think it's good to recognize the dark period as well as any frustrations afterwards but I am thankful that we've survived and learned so much from those first several weeks. I can see the light now. As for that lullaby I would rather sing a song about love and light or use reverse psychology (ha!) or just hold him while he cries. It's the best I can do.

Talking and Smiling

This is a longer version of yesterdays "Smile" post. He is smiling and starting to use his little voice. The biggest smiles come in the middle of the video when I vibrate my lips. I say "helloooooo" about a hundred times, I apologize ahead of time.

Smile

I wish this video were 24 hours long...but it's just a glimpse into a future of smiles, I hope:

King of Swing

Our friends from our birthing class generously gave us a swing. He didn't really like it at first but it's starting to grow on him. He's fallen asleep in it a handful of times. At first I felt guilty putting him in there but was reminded that sometimes you just need a break. If he's uncomfortable he'll let me know...and yes, he has let me know. It's especially helpful for me during the day while Mike's at school so I can put him in there and finish eating my lunch or just give my arms and back a break. Boy, that boy is getting heavy. I'm guessing he's in the 14 pound range now. Check him out all a-slumber in the swing:

Don't Cry Over Spilled Breast Milk...

...Especially on hardwood floors.

We tried bottle feeding for the 4th time last night and according to Mike (and the little cherub) it was a success! Mike said that he really felt what a "latch" feels like this time. I even snuck a peek and could hear the little bear making his nursing sounds. We also know it was a success because he went to sleep right after! Wahoo!

I heated the milk up for Mike and was about to pour the bag of warm milk into the bottle when, WHOOPS, it slipped out of my hands and splashed all over the floor. Our floor did need cleaning. I must say that once we wiped it up the floor was super smooth and clean...So if you ever run out of Murphy's Oil to clean your floors a little breast milk will do the trick. Liquid gold, I tell ya.

Aki Bear, Buddy, Sweet Jesus

Mike said the other day that Aki Bear will probably think that "Buddy" is his name. I said that he probably would think "Sweet Jesus" is his name and then we thought of that funny Bill Cosby bit:

Plugged Milk Ducts vs. Adorable Healthy Chunky Baby

Aki Bear and I just had our first collaboration AND I have found a con of breastfeeding. Plugged milk ducts. OUCH. It feels like you've got a rock (or rocks) in your boob. It's possible that a plugged duct can become infected and therefore be called Mastitis - you don't want this. If you have Mastitis you will feel like you have the flu. I don't like feeling sick. So when I discovered I had a plugged duct I took care of business by taking a super hot shower and massaging the rocky bits, placing a hot compress on the area with a hot water bottle and hot wash cloth right before nursing, having Aki Bear nurse on that side as much as possible in order to help pull out the clog. Every time I would put him on that side I would say, "Get that clog out!" and I swear he would nurse extra long on there. Go Team! I also slept on a heating pad on low all night long. So, I had the plugged duct one night and by 10 am the next day I had managed to unplug it. I was looking up other ways to help remedy a plugged duct and one of them was nursing on all fours with the baby lying underneath you...like a cow. I didn't try that but will let you know if I ever do - that might be embarrassing if someone walked in on me like that. So that's one con so far...but the pros are endless...one of them being a healthy chunky baby:

Look how big his feet look (I'm sure foreshortening helps) but wowee they look longer than his calf!

Lullabies

This video is kinda embarassing for me only because it's of me singing. I really only sing in the car and the shower and wouldn't say I have a particularly good voice but it works on the little guy while singing lullabies.

In the first several weeks I was singing my two favorite songs as a child to Aki Bear: Skinny Marinky Dinky Dink and Oh, Little Playmate and I also attempted Hush Little Baby but never can remember the lyrics and I always ended up singing stuff like, "If that looking glass gets broke, Mama's gonna buy you an artichoke, if that artichoke don't steam, Mama's gonna buy you iron I-beam." I also sang a sweet song that my Auntie Meg wrote and sang to her first born; the main lyric goes, "Mama loves you yes she do, Mama loves you" - it's super sweet. I also sing to him Silent Night, yes, a Christmas song, but it's really lovely and you say "sleep in heavenly peace" at one point and that's what you're trying to get the wee one to do - sleep - and I always imagine a cozy little manger while singing that song. So that's 4.5 songs in the rotation which can get old pretty quickly. I looked up the song that Mary Poppins sings in that same named movie because I remember really liking the tune. It goes,

Stay awake, don't rest your head

Don't lie down upon your bed

While the moon drifts in the skies

Stay awake don't close your eyes

Though the world is fast asleep

Though your pillow's soft and deep

You're not sleepy as you seem

Stay awake don't nod and dream

Stay awake don't nod and dream

Yes, reverse psychology in lullaby form. Does it work, so far 95% of the time (although on average 5-6 times is a charm before he really truly falls asleep - he wants to stay awake and look at the world!!!) I wish I had a camera that attached to my head, like a head lamp so you could see it truly in action with me rocking him and his eyes fluttering closed and rolling to the back of his head in wondrous sleep but we'll have to deal with the bright lit couch setting instead. I also wish my voice was like Julie Andrews' voice but...

I would like to learn more lullabies too, 5.5 won't cut it.

Lint Trap

His little clenched hands are lint traps.

Sitting Up?

NOPE.

Melting Hearts

This picture makes me think that they should have hearts bulging out of their eyes like in cartoons...like so:

Aki Bear is starting to really use his hands and has been tugging at his dad's chest hair and heartstrings.

Imperfect

EEEEW. Yes, I know, most of these look gross, especially the "milk neck". This proves that Aki Bear is not a perfect specimen. He's got cradle cap on his head and he had a little bit of it on his eyebrows and ears but I've managed to wipe it away in those spots while nursing. It's not painful and will go away on it's own. "Milk Neck" is just what I call it, I don't know if there's a more technical term for it or not. It's when babies have lots of folds on their necks (and Aki Bear has got at least 2, because he's pretty chunky) and breast milk drips down into the folds. I wipe his neck more than once a day. If you just leave it there it can get infected and turn into a yeast infection! He's got baby acne on his face, back and chest. It's starting to fade a little. This too goes away in time. He's got a stork bite or salmon patch on the left side of his neck. This too will go away; they say it can take up to 18 months before it fades. Imperfect, yes, but perfect in every other way:

Ghetto-Mobile

I made the little black and white circles in the hopes of making a beautiful mobile for Aki Bear. When my parents came I still had them in a pile, not strung up or attached to anything, so I put them to work. They got it this far and I've been meaning to clean it up for weeks but have no energy or desire to! It's not above his co-sleeper but above the futon in the office. I will stick him there and more recently he's been really looking at it and even talking at it. I don't think I'll ever truly finish it. But I figure he only sees it from the bottom looking up (far right picture) and that looks better than the far left picture! Plus when he can focus on the tangled strings I'm sure that will be just as interesting as the circles...or I hope so anyway. Not many infants can say they have their very own, hand-made, ghetto mobile!

Can't Do Without 'em

My friend Ross came over after work yesterday to visit with me and Aki Bear and to pick up some books on having a baby because his wife is pregnant! I mentioned to him that I should prepare a list of must haves. These are the baby and mama things that I love and simply make my life easier as a new mom:

aden + anais cotton swaddle blankets. These are wonderful, lightweight 100% cotton muslin blankets. I remember researching swaddle blankets and I was flabbergasted by the price of these blankets made out of muslin, but they are worth it. They are different than the cheap cotton muslin you would find in the fabric store. They are super thin and there is a stretch to them (without spandex) which makes for a good and tight swaddle and comfortable too, even in the summer time. I also use them to toss over the car seat to diffuse any sunlight that might hit the pure and tender skinned Aki Bear while on the go. They also come in some lovely designs and they even have a bamboo/cotton line if you want to splurge.

Hooter Hiders (I love that name) or nursing covers. I bought a scarf for fourteen bucks thinking I could just use that to cover up the ol' boob while nursing in public but it was nearly impossible to see the baby and cover myself up - I just about flashed myself...so now I have a cute scarf and went ahead and bought a hooter hider from our local resale/gift boutique The Red Hen! Basically it looks like an apron and a cape had a baby and called it a hooter hider. The part at the neck is stiff so it sticks out and you (and only you) can peek in on the nursing babe while the rest of the world goes about their business and doesn't get offended by you feeding your starving child. It's really worth the thirty buckaroos or i'm sure you can make one if you're handy.

The Ergo Carrier. We also have the Baby Bjorn which is sleeker but the Ergo is more...ergonomic. I wore the Bjorn and Aki Bear seems to really like it but I noticed that my back was a bit sore the next day. So I went to The Red Hen and got a used Ergo. This is much better on my back because it spreads the weight onto your hips rather than only on your shoulders. Once the bear gets bigger we can carry him on our back as well. He can also be on the front and face forward once he can hold his head up on his own - he's still a bit floppy. I use this carrier when I go on hikes with him. He usually ends up falling asleep.

My Brest Friend has a cheesy name but man oh man was it my best friend for the first month of babyhaving. You just clip it around your waist and plop the child on there and nurse away. It holds him up and even has these little built in bumps on either side so that it raises his head a bit more when he's lying there on his side which puts his mouth at the boob in a perfect way. I can even stand up with him on it and walk into another room, although it sorta feels like I'm a cigarette girl selling one super sweet baby. Plus there's a little pocket on the front where I house little nail clippers and stuff a burp cloth there as well - so convenient.

The Munchkin Wipe Warmer, I've talked about this before in this post. Maybe this isn't a must have but it is so nice and if you use cloth wipes you don't have to purchase the disposable ones on a regular basis so it's a money saver. I think Aki Bear is spoiled now because I used a regular unwarmed wipe on his bum the other day and he clenched and was startled by the coldness of it. HA! We put cloth wipes in there with water and it works wonders. Like I said before we'd like one in the bathroom for our adult bums.

Diapers. I asked for one dozen newborn sized prefold diapers on my registry but my friend Shawnee in all her wisdom ordered 3 dozen for me. I go through that many in 1.5 days. In the first week he went through 24+ diapers a day. At one month he wet 14 diapers and dirtied 4 a day. I'm sure he's cutting down even more (thank goodness) I haven't counted lately although he still pees up a storm. I use prefolds which look like your classic cloth diaper and flats which look like a big dish towel that you fold origami-style and then a couple of flip inserts which are basically super absorbent cotton diapers. I like them all (especially the prefolds and flats). You can read more about my cloth diaper research here and here.

Prefolds from Green Mountain Diapers dot com

Speaking of dirty diapers if you're going to go the cloth diaper route you mustmustmust get a BumGenius Diaper Sprayer. Not only is it fun to use but it is very efficient and convenient. It hooks right up to your toilet bowl and the flow of water is strong enough to even spray off one day old poo (that I didn't get to right away). Plus it's tempting to use as a bidet...that plus the wipe warmer and you'd have the cleanest butt in Chapel Hill.

If I didn't have Bamboobies I would walk around looking like this all day:

I was told that your breasts would leak even at the sound of a stranger's baby crying but I had no clue what that really meant. I have gone through so many shirts and bras. Bamboobies are super soft and thick and although my leaks can get past them sometimes they at least stem the tide a little. They apparently have an overnight pad which would probably help me. I only have one pair of Bamboobies and two or three pairs of these cheapo cotton ones (that work but aren't as big nor soft) I think having at least 7 pairs of nursing pads would be ideal, especially if you don't want to wash them every single day. 

Speaking of nursing accessories, a good nursing bra is important. You want something comfortable because if you're a leaker like me you'll be wearing a bra 24/7. So I prefer a nursing bra without underwire and as thin as possible. I got a couple of thin ones at Target and then a thicker one with underwire (which is good for going out because it's more supportive and creates another barrier for leakage just in case the levees bamboobies break.) I have two of these:

Breast milk storage bags are great for two reasons. They are compact and easy to store in your fridge or freezer. They are easy to warm up simply under a hot faucet...it takes less than a minute. I think because they are in bags you can massage them around while their under the hot water exposing more surface area of the cold milk. We have used the Ameda brand as well as the Lansinoh ones. I like the Ameda ones because when you are ready to use them there is a spot where you rip it open and it creates a little spout so that it can be poured easily into the feeding bottle.

If you are using storage bags you most likely are pumping milk. We ended up getting an electric pump and I'm so glad we did. I'm impatient with it now (and I only pump for 10 minutes at a time) so imagine if I went with the hand held one, I would've been in complete misery. We purchased the Ameda Purely Yours and it is great. No complaints here. I also used the Medela pump when I was in the hospital and I liked that one too, no preference really between the two. 

Burt's Bees Diaper Ointment. I wrote about diaper ointments in the post "Diaper Rash". So far I've tried the Burt's Bees Diaper Ointment, the Burt's Bees Multipurpose Ointment and the Dermacloud Ointment, I haven't tested the All Good Goop yet. So far the BB Diaper Ointment wins out. The multi purpose stuff didn't work on his rash, the rash came back, and the Dermacloud Ointment seems to be working but what I don't like about it is that it is in a big ol' jar and I remember reading about facial moisturizers once that stuff in a jar collects more germs than stuff from a tube because you're constantly sticking your fingers in the jar. The BB Dipe Ointment comes in a tube plus it's thicker therefore creating a bigger barrier between poop/moisture and skin. I think I'll put the All Good Goop in the diaper bag as it's a really portable sized container. 

As far as I can tell, my baby likes baths. When we don't toss him in the big tub with one of us we put him in the Puj. This thing is a soft, foldable mat that can be placed in any sink. It fits in the bathroom sink as well as the kitchen sink. I also love that it doesn't take up much space when we're not using it, it folds up flat. 

When we first brought Aki Bear home I was obsessed with watching him sleep mainly to make sure he was still breathing. At night it was hard because we weren't set up with a good light that either wasn't extremely blinding or something portable. So first we bought this adorable little soft glowing night light called the Mobi Tykelight that could be lifted from it's stand and carried anywhere but it was horrible. It never stayed on and it didn't glow blue or green (you had options of red and green and blue light depending upon your mood) it only glowed red, which was creepy and not bright enough to see if his eyes were opened or closed. So I went on a search of a soft glowing white night light. I found it on the light bulb aisle at Target. It's a battery powered Energizer Camping Lantern! It has three light levels, the lowest one being an amber night light which is perfect for watching him breathe! Plus you can move it to the changing table or when he get's old enough he can carry it with him to the bathroom if he wants or use it when he camps out in his cushion fort in the living room.

Burp cloths. Duh. These are so important. My friend Tiff made me a bunch. When I go through those I use cloth diapers or the ones that I crocheted...or my shirt, or a towel, or a napkin, or his shirt, or Mike's shirt or the cat.

I am a Co-sleeper advocate. My friend Kristen GAVE me hers although I tried forcing money on her but she's a tough cookie (four kids will do that to you I guess.) She gave me the Mini Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper. It snugs up and attaches to my bedside so the baby is basically on a level about 3.5 inches lower than the top of my bed but firmly attached to the side. I fall asleep staring at his angelic little face.

And that concludes that long ol' post!

Growing Boy

At Aki Bear's one month doctor's appointment he weighed in at 12.5 pounds ( >95th percentile), 22.5 inches long (85th percentile) and 39 cms around his head (55th percentile). So he's a growing boy, pretty soon Mike won't be able to hold him like so.

Breastfeeding

I really am enjoying breastfeeding. I got a little jealous (and my nipples seemed to cry) when Mike was feeding Aki Bear with the bottle for the first time. I could just stare at this little baby all of the time. Things I do while breastfeeding are watch Downton Abbey, trim his finger or toe nails, clean his face or behind his ears, touch his super soft arms, massage his back, place my finger within his grasp, touch the little dimples where his knuckles are, put my hand on his feet and make his toes curl, blow his hair, comb his hair, make his hair into different patterns on his head, take pictures of him...I think that's it...I hope I don't give him some sort of eating disorder from all that distraction. I told Mike to always ask me about 2-3 minutes after I've started a feeding if I need anything because I usually forget to grab my water bottle or my snack or the remote control or the little finger nail clippers and once little man is on the boob I feel a little trapped, I'm learning to walk with him feeding but it is still a little awkward.

Poo Sack

Aki Bear mostly sleeps swaddled. The magic swaddle, I call it. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work, maybe he's too hot or wants some freedom. In those instances (of panic or don't know what else to do with a squawking baby) we will try his sleep sacks. One of them is long sleeved and the bottom is like a big skirt with ties (I think Jen got that for us and perhaps was once worn by Henry or Lulu). Aki Bear seems to really like that one at times. We also got this other sleep sack from my coworker Amy that is sleeveless and zips up the front, it's like a little sleeping bag in a way. It has Winnie the Pooh on it. What I love about these sacks is that he'll sleep with his arms up (just like how he was in the womb). The other day I said, "He's down, and in his Pooh sack!" and Mike said, "POO sack?" Hahahaha. Poo sack is how I'll think of it from now on. Have a look at him in his Poo Sack, wide awake:

He totally looks like me as a baby in this picture. Plus, he's almost getting too long for his co sleeper!!!

The Bottle

We attempted feeding Aki Bear via bottle last night (Friday) but he was way too hungry and crying to accept it. He wanted food and he wanted it NOW. Lesson learned: Heat the bottle at the first sign of a squawk from the co-sleeper. So, we plopped him on the ol' boob and he took it like a champ (as usual). Next day we thought we'd give it another go. This time we were quicker to react and got the milk warmed just in the nick of time. I had Mike read several paragraphs in the book "The Womanly Art of Breast Feeding" in regards to bottle feeding. Of course he started reading it with warm bottle in hand and fussy baby in arms (ever the procrastinator). They say that the Mom (or whomever has the portable milk kitchen) should not be the one to introduce the bottle because why would the baby take the bottle when the boob is right there?! I even read that the Mom should be 20 feet or more away because the babe can smell the milk! Crazy! They also say to warm the nipple of the bottle, so I ran that under the hot faucet for a bit before handing it to Mike. Once I passed the baton I went into the other room and it sounded bad, like he wasn't going to take it. But then, silence...and Mike exclaims, "I think I've mastered the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding!" and then, "I feel my nipples tingling." HA. and then "Oooh, I can drink coffee while I'm doing this." I think they bonded.

Mike holding two of the most important things in life: baby and coffee. This was after they bonded over the bottle feeding.

 Meanwhile my shirt looked something like this:

Image from flick river

The Let Down Connection

Image from parent dish

I've read about let down in my breast feeding books but never did I realize how primal it is. Let down is when your milk passes down through the ducts; you get this tingling, almost burning sensation in your breasts when it happens. The most amazing thing is that I will get this sensation and within (at most) 30 minutes Aki Bear is ready to eat. We've got an undeniable connection. Who says you can't win a guy's heart over with food?

Lanugo

Baby Stan was born with a soft layer of hair all over. It was mostly notable on his back and shoulders (just like his Pa!) We were especially intrigued with his back hair because it came together in a little cowlick at the center of his back (see pic above) which Mike felt especially akin too because he has the same cowlick. It's like Mike left his thumbprint on our little bear cub. I started to notice at about 23 days old that his hair or lanugo was disappearing. We are glad we snapped a picture before it went away because now it looks like he got an impeccable wax job.

Baby Blues

His eyes are currently still a very dark blue color. On the left you can barely tell they have blue in them, they kinda look like a dark grey. When the light shines on his face you can see how blue they really are. They say that a newborns eye clolor will change at 6 months or even later.

Clothes Line

Here's the clothes line that my Dad put up in a sunnier spot in the backyard. There are three lines that go across, almost the length of the house and boy can I fill it up with all of the diapers and wipes that Aki Bear goes through.

Lies!

In my breastfeeding class and even in my birthing class we were told that breastfed babies didn't need to be burped but bottle fed ones do. LIES! Stanley needs to be burped. He has the most grown up sounding burps (and farts). All the breastfeeding moms that I know have said the same thing that their babes need to be burped too, so it's not that Stanley is uber-gassy or has an abnormal latch or something. Breastfed babies need to be burped!

Awakening

This image was an entry in a National Geographic photo contest.

I remember seeing the above image while I was still pregnant. I thought it was beautiful...I still think it is beautiful but I'm more realistic or hardened by my own experience now. I didn't get that natural water birth. I wasn't filled with that emotion that the woman in the picture seems to be experiencing. I didn't get to hold my baby right from the get go and when I did get to finally hold him he had some breathing irregularities and was swept away from me again. Even when he was swept away from me and the pediatrics team came in to check him out and put an oxygen mask over his little face I just sat there - no tears - just silently watching. I don't know what I was thinking other than having this feeling that he would be O.K. and not to worry about it. But gosh, pregnant me or even pre-pregnant me would have been an emotional wreck.

I think I romanticized my labor and what giving birth to my baby would or could be like. I thought it would be beautiful, I thought I would be instantly in love with this tiny human being that was made with just that, love. But no, it wasn't instantaneous. I felt responsible for him so I made sure he got milk, I never missed a feeding while he was in the NICU. It was like our relationship was all business; I would feed him, change him, clean him, rock him, sing to him, but I didn't feel that love that I imagined I would feel for him.

One day, last week, Stanley was about 24 days old or so, I was sitting on the couch cradling him while Mike and I were watching the Olympics. At one point I looked down at my sleeping baby and was overcome with love and I started to cry. Mike looks at me and says, "Good tears?" and I said yes and that I think I loved him (my baby). I know that sounds ridiculous but I honestly wasn't that enamored with him for a good 3 weeks. I am relieved to say that I've finally come around. It was like I was woken up to this amazing little being where before my head was all foggy and my eyes weren't seeing things very clearly. He's perfect and I love him...how can you not love this face:

Clean Baby

He may have not been born in the water or had that first lovely bath time that his mama dreamed of in her eighty-sixed birth plan but he thankfully still loves a bath. He's had several now and cried only once when I got water in his eye or ear or something. I bought this little foldable tub called a Puj that sit's in the sink. It can fit in the bathroom sink too but we've used it in the kitchen sink due to the sprayer that is so handy. He is not smiling yet but he sits there contently. Even if he's fussy beforehand and I put him in he'll calm right down. I think he likes being nude too.

Here he is all clean and in his luxurious towel.

Birthing Class Reunion : Important Connections

We had our birthing class reunion two Saturdays ago. It was really, really lovely. Only 3 of the 6 couples were there with our instructor Svea.

I wish I could have visited with them in our first week with baby. We all instantly bonded. I felt so connected to them. They are all going through the same struggles and emotions that we are going through and it is nice to commiserate with people who are currently in the same boat.

We got to hear the gory details of each labor. Mine and Roxanne's were the worst (and similar!) Lauren had a dream labor: 6 hours, she had a doula at home and her best friend was at the Birth Center to catch the baby via water birth. Roxanne had 4 days of early labor but when she finally went to the Birth Center she was only 1 cm dilated. So, like me, but the opposite of cervix cooperation. She also ended up at UNC with an epidural and pitocin but no vacuum. Her baby was also posterior like Aki Bear. Svea said that it is rare for first timers to have a vaginal birth when their babies are posterior - usually that results in a C-section. Roxanne and I high-fived and patted eachother on the backs. Lauren's baby boy is about 6 weeks and Roxanne's baby boy is about 5 weeks but Stanley is was bigger than them at 3 weeks! He's a chub monster!

It was also nice to just talk about our trials and tribulations. We talked about thrush, diaper rash, diaper ointments, bottle feeding, pacifiers, diapers, breast feeding, leaving the house with baby, baby acne, carriers and day care. Thrush is basically a yeast infection in the baby's mouth where his tongue gets really white. I think it can be passed back in forth from baby's mouth to mama's nipples. That sounds like no fun at all. Their babes also have diaper rashes and we all looked at our baby's bums to compare! Ha! Roxanne told me to be very liberal with the diaper ointment. She is using the Burt's Bees Diaper Ointment that I have.  So I've been slathering his bum in that. Lauren started bottle feeding her boy breast milk once a day which allows her husband to pitch in. All of them use pacifiers - Stanley just spits them out (which is strange because the NICU nurses gave him pacifiers and he had more pacifier than boob in his first 12 hours of life.) UPDATE: I tried giving him a pacifier again the other night and it pacified him into a slumber so much so that I put him down unswaddled and he slept for 2 hours! Win! And he's been breastfeeding fine - no nipple confusion - which pacifiers can sometimes cause. We will probably introduce the bottle to him at 6 weeks old. We talked about cloth diapers and paper ones. Roxanne is currently using disposables - Pampers - and there is this new technology where when the baby wets his pants the diaper has a strip on the front that changes colors so you know he's wet. Lauren is using cloth dipes similar to us. I asked them when they first left the house to go to a public place and Lauren said, "5 days!" She said that when you do it once it gets easier each time. Svea said I can take Stanley out just don't pass him around or make sure that people wash their hands before handling him. Lauren said that we should all go to coffee and I can have their support with Stanley's first outing. We did that last Monday - Aki Bear and my first date - 3 hours! It went well. Lauren was carrying her baby in a little front carrier and it inspired me to pull out our Baby Bjorn which I thought Stanley was too young for but he's way over the minimum weight (8 lbs) so I tried it on and he loves it. Passed out cold. It's much easier to use than the Moby, altho the Moby really keeps him close like he's still in the womb and he loves it, I just need Mike's assistance with the Moby, I'm no pro at that one yet. Lauren also talked about daycare - she's done a lot of research in the Chapel Hill area and apparently it ranges between $1000 and $1500 per month, which made my stomach sink. I don't think we can afford that so we need to take a closer look at our finances to figure that monster out.

I really enjoyed hanging out with these ladies and their babes and partners - Mike did too! I hope we can hang out some more. I also feel like I learned so much just by observing/hanging out/talking to them. I've always been a visual learner (When I was a wee tot I was taking swim lessons and my age group was holding onto the edge and learning how to kick, we weren't actually learning any strokes yet. My brother's age group (whose lessons took place right before mine) were actually learning freestyle. Apparently I would sit and watch his group swimming each lesson and one day I got in the pool for my lesson and took off swimming across the pool. Visual learner am I.) I feel like this new parent thing has such a steep learning curve. I have changed and grown so much in these last 4 weeks...more than I ever imagined. I am still the same Erin to the core but with all of these extra colorful and ratty patches sewn on here and there adding to my story.

I left our little reunion inspired to leave the house with my little guy, with more confidence in myself, with more appreciation for our boy (more patience and love even), with less fear of taboo things like pacifiers and diaper ointments. I think I fell in love with this being a parent thing more and felt more normal than I have in weeks. It was wonderful. Who woulda thunk?! So simple - connecting with people is a powerful thing.

P.S. No pics yet. I will post 'em when I receive 'em!

Diaper Rash

O.K. it was too good to be true. I thought the cloth wipes with warm water solved the problem. NOPE. His red tush is back in action. Probably because he makes 24+ dirty/wet diapers a day which means he gets lots of action down there and lots of wiping. So, I am going to experiment with the ointments that I have. I have two different Burt's Bees ointments. One is the Burt's Bees diaper ointment that has almond oil and zinc oxide. The zinc oxide makes it white, like clown make up.
The other one is also Burt's Bees but it is a multipurpose ointment and it is clear almost like vaseline but petroleum free. One of the midwives said to use a clear ointment not the white ones. I forgot what the reason was. The third is something called Dermacloud Ointment (Fanny Cream) which is also zinc oxide based. I also was given something called "All Good Goop" which I will give a try. It's an herbal based ointment. If all of that fails I will get some Boudreaux's Butt Paste as recommended by Mama Jen. I just like the sound of that one. I think giving each of these at least one week to see if it works will be a good little experiment.

If none of these work then I'm just going to let Stanley go nude everywhere and dunk his bum up and down in warm water until all the poop comes off as to not wipe him at all. Or maybe use the diaper sprayer on his little bum; it's like a baby bidet. We had our Birthing Class reunion last Saturday (pics to come I hope, just waiting for the picture taker to share them with the group!) and our instructor said that sometimes a diaper rash can mean that he's allergic to something that I'm eating. Please let him be allergic to something I can live without, like, pancakes or lamb.

UPDATE. I'm on day 4 of using the Burt's Bees diaper ointment and his rash is gone. Voila! I'm almost out of that tube but going to move on to the second ointment I have. If I've got 'em why not use 'em?

Baby Sounds

Stanley makes the sweetest sounds while nursing. I think they're sweet Mike doesn't (especially in the middle of the night.) But I'm the one who is awake and nursing so it's sweet and endearing to me where Mike is in mid-slumber. Listen to his little sounds:

When he wakes from his sleep, Aki Bear that is, you can hear him yelp or gently cry or squawk...which is why we sometimes call him Squawky Bear.

Mike is singing to him currently in the tune of "I've got the whole world, in my hands" but with these lyrics: "I've got your whole head in my hand, I've got your whole head in my hand! I got your whole dang head in my hand I got your whole head in my hand!" HA.

Oh How I've Missed Thee

I had sips of wine and beer while pregnant but never really felt the need to have an entire glass or pint (guilt? fear? paranoia? better safe than sorry?) I wasn't really a big drinker before anyhow but tonight, I had a glass of wine with dinner and it was the best glass of wine I have ever had...and I think it was just a Two Buck Chuck. I didn't know how much I missed a nice red until now and yes, I fill the glass to the rim. Ha!

One of My Favorite Things

I know I have written about a lot of struggles and negatives thus far. So, here is a positive. I love watching him wake from a slumber. He stretches and yawns and contorts his little body...and if we're lucky he'll poop or fart.